(The Scene: A record store environs unknown, presided over by a scraggly-looking clerk, BRUCE.)

BRUCE: (to a young couple) Yeah, those are all hacked, yeah. Take care.

KEVIN: Excuse me…

BRUCE: Yeah?

KEVIN: Do you have the new Depeche Mode record?

BRUCE: Yeah, it’s over there, but it sucks. (audience cheers)

KEVIN: Uh, do you have the latest Pixies album?

BRUCE: Yeah, but it sucks. All that new stuff sucks, but its over there.

KEVIN: You know, actually I was thinking about getting into something vintage anyway, I don’t know…maybe The Doors?

BRUCE: (interested) Really? I never had you figured for a Doors fan.

KEVIN: (laughs) Well, I’m not really a Doors fan, but sure, I’d like to get into them.

BRUCE: No no no my friend, Doors fans aren’t made, they’re born. I think right now, in Africa, there’s some guy, madly beatin’ on a drum, he’s a Doors fan. Or an old lady on a bus, suckin’ humbugs, she’s a Rider on the Storm, but she ain’t eva head the sounds. So what about you?

KEVIN: Well, I heard a record of theirs last night at a party, and I’ve always liked Love Her Madly.

BRUCE: Well, if you become a Doors fan, Love Her Madly’ll be the only song you don’t like!

KEVIN: All right, I guess I should start with their Greatest Hits?

BRUCE: Hey! Greatest Hits records are for housewives and little girls! (throws record away) You’re not serious! You don’t want to be a Doors fan, get outta my store! We’re closed, get out of here!

KEVIN: No, no I want you to show me the way!

BRUCE: Was that a Frampton reference, in my store?

KEVIN: (realizing) Uh, uh, no, no lyrics, no lyrics, just words, words.

BRUCE: All right, if you’re gonna be a Doors fan, you can’t buy any album, its scientific.

KEVIN: Sure.

BRUCE: You gotta buy this, Waiting for the Sun. It’s the departure point (kisses the record). Listen to it every night around dusk for about month.

KEVIN: Sounds good, then what?

BRUCE: Who’s playing bass?

KEVIN: Um, uh, no one!

BRUCE: No bass!

KEVIN: No bass?!

BRUCE: That’s right! The gypsies had no homes, The Doors had no bass! But don’t let that scare you my friend, let that liberate you! ‘Cause when you’re free-flyin’ with The Doors man, what do you need a safety net for?

KEVIN: Viva The Doors!

BRUCE: Viva The Doors! Alright! But listen, there’s a burden that every real Doors fan has gotta live with, and that’s the fact that the greatest rock ‘n’ roll band of all time are never gonna play live again. (wistfully) Can’t live in the past…

KEVIN: (clueless) No wait, there’s hope, I heard once that Iggy Pop is gonna front them, and The Doors will tour again!

BRUCE: (twitching) Where’d you hear that?

KEVIN: Well, I heard it somewhere…

BRUCE: Read it in your precious Creem magazine maybe? Well its not gonna happen!

KEVIN: Well how do you know?

BRUCE: (angry) Because somebody told me…

KEVIN: Who told you?

BRUCE: You wanna know who told me?

KEVIN: Who told you?

BRUCE: JIM FUCKIN’ MORRISON TOLD ME!! THAT’S WHO!!

(enter VITO, a customer)

VITO: Hey do you have the new Depeche Mode album?

KEVIN: (wheels around) Suuuuuuuuuuucks!!!!!

(VITO runs from the store)

BRUCE: I forgive you. Here (looks around) take this (gives him an 8-track of Morrison Hotel). Its an 8-track tape, its one of the last in existence. I want you to steal a car…

KEVIN: I have a car…

BRUCE: Steal a car!

KEVIN: Steal a car…

BRUCE: Get in it and drive west. Play the tape full blast. When the tape ends, get out and get into a fight, then get back into the car and come to town and meet me at the Cargas Club.

KEVIN: Then what will you do?

BRUCE: I will let you into the most prestigious hotel of all time.

KEVIN: Which is?

BRUCE: Morrison Hotel!

KEVIN: Then what?

BRUCE: Then…(sniffs) you’re gonna be a Doors fan, man!

(leads Kevin to a bright light and a brighter future as a Doors fan)