THE WARRIOR AND THE
NINJA [Bajing Ireng Dan Jaka Sembung] (aka The Warrior 2, 1987). I once
knew an Indonesian guy, and he was pretty strange, so maybe that explains
this movie. It's a crazy and sometimes outrageous (and frequently tedious)
kung-fu movie from the world's headhunting capital that has turned out more
that its fair share of crazy films. This one is a sequel to The Warrior
that features a nationalistic hero named Jaka Sembung who fights the
evil Dutch (the Dutch? how lame is it to get stuck with the Dutch as your
national villains?). This time out he fights the evil Dutch again, as well
as such comic book villains as an Iron Man who lives in a mountain, a crippled
sorcerer, and a wimpy bad guy with horrible teeth. The fight scenes are
hilariously incompetent, and look like grade schoolers playing Jackie Chan
on the playground. Barry Prima is the hero, and El Manik (who's name is
almost as good as El Santo and ultra_caligula) is the ninja of the title,
called Red Squirrel, or something like that. At the end a female villainess
has her head ripped in half, and that in itself is worth the price of admission.
Directed by H. Tjut Djalili, who also made the grotesque Mystics in Bali.
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WARRIORS
OF KUNG-FU (1982). Yet another Godfrey Ho late entry in the kung-fu sweepstakes
which is actually much better than the usual product from our man Godfrey.
Taking the usual clichés of kung-fu cinema: revenge and handicappableness,
our story revolves around an evil evildoer who puts together an all-star
team of fellow evil evildoers to steal a magical sword (though what magical
powers the sword actually possesses is never revealed). Being evildoers,
they can never just use straight out kung-fu, instead, they poison a kung-fu
master, then kill him in front of his two kids, who are separated, one is
blinded and the other is a mute (or "struck dumb" as the film calls it).
Guess what happens next. Yup, they are taught kung-fu by passing kung-fu
masters, the sort who walk around looking for half-dead students to teach
revenge kung-fu to. The two brothers grow up to become the wonderfully named
Cassanova Wong (doing his best Zatoichi impersonation, right down
the the hidden sword in the cane), the blind one, and Tony Kwok (from Ho's
more typically awful Eagle vs. Silver Fox), the mute. The two don't
know of the others existence, and are seeking vengeance, but are accidentally
brought together by a young woman "passing" as a man, despite the fact that
she obviously looks like a woman (Betty Lau), who's parents were also
killed by the evil gang of evil evildoers (see a pattern here?). Of course,
she's also looking for vengeance, but being a lame girl can only get around
to stealing money in order to finance assassination via mercenary. Thusly
reunited the threesome travel the countryside looking for the evil evildoers.
For the most part, the gang is pretty lame, and don't have much in the way
of kung-fu skills, and it generally takes a few seconds before they are
begging for their lives, though when the fat wine drinking baddy is hit
so hard that he vomits up about a gallon of wine its…amusing (if that's
the right concept here). The ending takes place in the snow, very unusual
for a kung-fu movie, and features some real cruelty to our heroes, who previously
had been impaled on sharp bamboo (Wong's feet impalement is especially painful),
and are now beaten and stabbed repeatedly. The main villain, being an evil
evildoer, wields his non-magical magical sword against the unarmed Wong,
against whom he had previously sent a group of rainbow attired fighters
who fly in on wires and parachutes! Wong was a phenomenal kicker, and had
the makings of a star, but I think he came in a bit too late in the kung-fu
sweepstakes to make an impact, and no doubt appearing in Godfrey Ho movies
didn't help things. Otherwise, besides Ho's annoying tendency to undercrank
the fights too much, the action is competently staged and appropriately
bloody, and the whole movie, while hardly worthwhile, isn't really all that
bad in the end.
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WE
AWAIT (1996). I really don't know how to describe this "underground" oddity.
Definitely a one-of-a-kind item at least. Essentially a drifter, trying
to pull one over on some fundamentalist Christian types, witnesses the aftermath
of their murders, committed by Barrett (director Charles Pinion). The drifter
(Thomas Angel) ends up in the home of Barrett's "family" a seriously twisted
bunch led by Uncle Jack, a disgraced former professor who spends most of
his time making mind-altering drugs out of fungus, and having dreams of
his dead wife. Also along for the ride are Barrett's shapely "sisters" Annabel
Lee and Alyssa Taylor Wendt (awesome!!) who spoon feed Angel some sort of
mind-bending green goo in preparation for the arrival of "the child" who
needs Angel's soul. Make sense? No, it doesn't. Add to this Peter Weiss,
who plays Kenny, the family dog. "Other dogs are just born dogs, this one
chose to become a dog." Yes indeed. So you see Kenny growl and hump legs.
Angel has weird drug induced visions, Barrett wanders around killing random
people and stealing their body parts and everyone seems to be getting ready
for some sort of ceremony. Finally the "family" goes on a "vision drive"
through oodles of stock footage and crappy video effects that bring them
face to face with Jesus! ("Oh no, its Jesus" must be the best line) This
isn't Jeff Hunter as Jesus, no, this Jesus is a fat, naked, bloody Elvis
of a savior who tries to eat the family car. (Did I mention he's the size
of King Kong?) I haven't the slightest idea of what the hell is going on
here, especially with the anti-climactic ending, but Pinion crams in so
much sheer strangeness (watch out for the scary ball 'n' cock torture!!!!!)
and quite a bit of ambition that it is compulsively watchable from beginning
to end. I can't even really make fun of this too much, it's the damnest
thing I think I've seen in quite some time. Ten thumbs up!
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WHITE CANNIBAL QUEEN
(aka Mondo Cannibale/Cannibals/Barbarian Goddess/Une fille pour les cannibals/I
cannibali/Mangeurs d'hommes/La deese blonde/La deese cannibal/Les cannibals/Die
blonde Gottin/Barbarian/Le dea cannibale, 1979). Yep, y ou guessed it, the
worst cannibal film ever made, bar none, and good ole boy Jess Franco was
the genius behind it. Al Cliver (aka Pier Luigi Conti!) goes on a "research
expedition" into the jungle with his wife and daughter, they're attacked
by cannibals, Cliver loses his arm and his daughter is kidnapped. He returns
like Charles Bronson, to get his daughter and kick cannibal booty, but this
being a Franco movie his arm is hilariously and obviously tied behind his
back, and this being a Franco film he accomplishes very little on his "mission"
other than boring the audience silly. The "cannibals" are suspiciously white
and many have wedding bands, watches, or pale stretches of skin where those
items usually are. These natives also speak native gibberish (literally
the sort of made up language little kids speak) except for "white goddess",
said in English. The "cutting edge" Franco violence consists of slow-motion
close ups of people biting meat glued to the actor's bodies. You'd think
this was a parody until you realize that most of Franco's films are like
this.
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WICKED CITY (1992).
Ambitious, but overblown and tedious adaptation of the popular comic and
anime Supernatural Beast City benefits from the presence of the great
Tatsuya Nakadai, but it flounders under its own weight. Pop stars Leon Lai
(lacking all screen presence) and Jacky Cheung (who needs to stop overacting
in everything) are undercover cops on a mission to stop the Rapters, weird
creatures who take on human form, and who are hell bent on taking over the
human world. Of course, there are good and bad Rapters, and, what would
a movie like this be without a love story? Lai falls for a good Rapter,
Michele Lee (who was paired with Lai, with better results, in Wong Kar-Wai’s
Fallen Angels). The plot as such has the evil son of the King Rapter
attempting to destroy humanity. Intricate stuff as you can see. Very much
influenced by Blade Runner for better or worse, but the barrage of pointless
special effects scenes and lifeless direction and acting make this one of
those Tsui Hark productions that have you throwing things at the screen.
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WING CHUN (1994). Highly
entertaining kung-fu comedy is one of director Yuen Woo-Ping’s better movies,
benefiting greatly from superb fight scenes and a charismatic performance
from the beautiful Michelle Yeoh. Yeoh plays Yim Wing-Chun, a woman who
holds her own against chauvinistic men by beating the stuffing out of them.
Donnie Yen plays a love-stuck man who pursues a woman he thinks is Wing
Chun, but isn’t, the great Tsui Siu-Keung is the perpetually grinning villain,
and Waise Lee is priceless as a bumbling scholar. Lots of impeccably choreographed
fight scenes, one of the best occurring on a spear stuck in a wall! There’s
a lot of minor sexual humor that will appeal to people with a sophomoric
sense of humor like me, but speaking of sexual stuff, there is a heavy lesbian
undertone in more than a few scenes. Cheng Ping-Ping even shows up as Yeoh’s
teacher.
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THE WITCH WHO CAME
FROM THE SEA (1976). This is one of those impossible-to-classify movies
that come along from time to time, on the surface it seems like a gruesome
exploitation movie, but beyond that it's a bizarre and rather shocking film
that seems to be part arty psycho sexual mindfuck, part kitchen sink melodrama.
Millie Perkins (yes, Anne Frank herself) plays a warped alcoholic barmaid
who dotes over her little nephews, lives with grizzled bartender Long John
(Lonny Chapman, who's excellent) and hero worships her dead sea captain
father. Therein lies the problem, since Perkins won't face the fact that
her father was a drunken brute who raped her. Not surprisingly this gives
her a rather…strange view of males. It seems that Perkins has developed
into a sadistic sex killer who specializes in castrating men. Early on the
scene in which Perkins ties up then carves up two buff football players
must be the single most squirm inducing scene in history (for men anyway,
Andrea Dworkin will no doubt be in heaven). More compelling than this though
is Perkins' completely off the wall performance, with her constant rambling,
stream of conscious dialogue ("he was rich, I had a telescope…yellow eyes…")
and her disturbing hallucinations/flashbacks (notably coming home to find
her father buck nekkid in the closet). Not for a moment are we to think
that Perkins is somehow, "normal" or a well adjusted person who coldly commits
her crimes. She's obviously deranged from the outset, and seems on the one
hand to revel in her acts, and on the other doesn't deny them as much as
put them out of her mind. I guess the exploitational value here would be
Perkins running around ass naked covered in blood, or getting a large mermaid
tattoo while topless, but really what sets this apart from the average exploitation
film is the fact that this is mostly secondary, I sure the adds could feature
these things prominently, but the film is less interested in MILLIE PERKINS
CHILD STAR castrating and getting naked as it is in telling its peculiar
story. Unlike most straight-out exploitation films too, this is always watchable
and compelling, the low key acting (save Perkins, who understandably goes
pretty far over the top) and generally naturalistic California settings
create a supernormal atmosphere, punctuated by outbursts of irrational violence
and perversion (how's that for a tagline?). I'd say certainly thanks would
have to go out to the always reliable Matt Cimber, who came from the Jack
Hill of inspired exploitation directors school, and probably screenwriter
Robert Thom, as well as Perkins, for giving it all in this curious and bizarre
film. I can definitely see where the makers of Audition
got their inspiration.
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THE WIZARD OF GORE
(1970). H.G. Lewis himself once typically said that his films did not suffer
a lack of polish, but had "the crude power of a play by Aeschylus as opposed
to a polished play by Sophocles." Yes, we all know by now that Herschell
once taught English at a college, but did he really have to call back the
ghosts of those two long-dead Greek masters for the sake of a allusion about
his movies? It seems to be in bad taste for the man who made this goofy
gore movie to mention people with talent, but that's another story. Ray
Sager gives an especially loud performance as Montag the Magnificent, a
stage "magician" who's act consists of mutilating women onstage, but, of
course, the tricks are clever fakes, but after the show the women turn up
horribly murdered in the identical manner as Montag's illusions. Judy Clar
plays a perky TV hostess who recommends Montag's show (though the same dozen
people seem to come every night) and drags along her brutish reporter boyfriend
Wayne Ratay. The "what's real and what isn't" plot allows the director to
get away with all sorts of foolishness, and this movie has foolishness in
spades. The on stage tortures cut back and forth between typically gross
Lewis gore and what the audience sees, or at least what they think they
see: bloodless tricks. After the killings Montag is seen in a red-tinted
"dreamy" (or as dreamy as Lewis could manage) scene carrying the corpses
to a cemetery vault. At the end Montag tries to hypnotize the entire city
through the miracle of MODERN TELEVISION TECHNOLOGY. Oh no! But Ratay saves
the day by throwing Montag into a fire. But it's not over yet! The kooky
metaphysical ending is as stupid as they come, though would any self-respecting
"famous" magician perform in a high school auditorium?
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THE WOLVES (1971).
Intricately plotted gangster film from the excellent Hideo Gosha stars Tatsuya
Nakadai as a gangster who wishes nothing more to be loyal to his gang after
being released from prison. He’s a good company man, with no desire to move
up the yakuza food-chain, but with his old boss dead, a partnership with
a formerly hostile rival gang, and his best friend (Noboru Ando, son of
a real-life yakuza) having taken over, he finds it hard to adjust, and his
adherence to the old ways causes friction in the gang, so he leaves. Typically
he finds the “new” yakuza to be lacking the codes of conduct that he lives
by, and finds himself on a collision course with his friend and way of life.
While the plot is a typical old vs. new potboiler that Japanese audiences
never seemed to tire of, Gosha injects some much needed style, and a low-key
instinct for character and mood into the proceedings, leading to a beautifully
filmed swordfight between Nakadai and Ando on a moonlit beach.
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A WOMAN’S TORMENT (1977).
Hardcore porn rip-off of Polanski’s Repulsion features Tara Chung
(who looks to be Filipino) as a mentally unbalanced woman who moves into
her sister’s abandoned beach house. She hears voices and has hallucinations,
and ends up killing several people. Surprisingly not entirely bad, with
some descent acting (though Jake Teague as the sleazy psychologist is more
typically porn), and fairly competent direction from Roberta Findlay (under
the psudo Robert W. Norman). Years later a clip of this would show up in
the Findlay directed travesty, The Oracle.
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WRITER'S BLOCK, TRUTH
OR DARE II: PLAYING FOR KEEPS (1995). Who the hell came up with this dumb-ass
title in the first place? Furthermore, why the hell would you want to associate
your movie with Truth or Dare? Even further than that, why
didn't you just kill yourself when you were sixteen and the school mattress
back turned you down? Oooh, it's shot on video, which means its cool and
cutting edge…uh, maybe not. This is pretty much garbage, which shouldn't
surprise anyone. Its about a dork writer who writes a "best-selling" slasher
novel called "The Woodcutter" but he can't come up with anything good for
his follow-up. When he finds the diary of a psycho teen in his new house
and plagiarizes it, the psycho teen comes to take revenge. Of course the
killer is a wisecracking loudmouth. You'd think since America has more serial
killers than brain surgeons filmmakers would try to come up with something
more compelling than another Freddy Kruger wannabe, but then again anyone
who's proud to be associated with Tim Ritter, like this director, Chris
La Mont (go back to making government access documentaries on leaf collection)
can hardly be called a filmmaker. The killer (Jeffrey C. Hawkins, the "C"
is for what now?) is shown watching horror movies, big surprise, since the
assholes who make these movies hold their audience in complete contempt.
Hey, Chris, good idea there buddy, since horror fans are the only people
who would ever watch something like this you stupid bastard.
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