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BAD TASTE
(1986).
Before going arty, then Hollywood, Peter Jackson was a pretty descent guy,
turning out films like this one, a stupid and crazy mess with some kind
of plot about aliens coming to Earth in order to turn humans into intergalactic
fast food. The only ones who stand in their way are a group of dubious government
agents. Everything and the toilet is tossed at the viewer (hopefully not
too serious or sensitive): Jackson himself plays the dork hero who runs
around trying to keep his brains from coming out of a crack in his skull.
The pathetically low budget allows for imaginative effects but zero filmmaking
finesse, but is a lot better than most jokey horror films of the time.
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BAY OF
BLOOD [Ecologia del Delitto] (aka TWITCH OF THE DEATH NERVE, 1971). Mario
Bava is (hopefully) fondly remembered for his atmospheric masterpieces like
Kill Baby Kill and Black Sunday, but this item which seems
to be famous but pretty unseen, is as close as he'd ever come to the Lucio
Fulci school of filmmaking: incoherent plot and lots of extended gore scenes.
Of course, Bava was Bava, and a movie like this tends to show up the ineptness
of Fulci-ish directors (see New York Ripper). The violence is pretty
rough for the time and seems to be an accurate prediction of things to come
(the school/church led by Argento) yet it wears its absurdity on its sleeve
and serves as a prophetic spoof of those later films too. A series of brutal
killings take place at a pristine chunk of real-estate, a bay (duh) that
several people want to develop, others, for various reasons, do not. People
are killed off right and left, teens, old ladies, married couples, Bava
is equal opportunity here. All of it is too much though, and the ridiculous
ending shows Bava throwing up his hands and letting everyone know that he
knows what's going on is silly and preposterous.
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BEACH RED
(1967).
Hey man, is that a psychedelic war movie man? turn it up dude! Cornel Wilde
will always have a place in my heart for the awesome The Naked Prey
but this one is too much, it's a silly groovy WWII flick, something that
we didn't need. For some reason, Wilde plays it straight, even portraying
a clichéd commander that's been done a few times too much, suggesting
that despite the acid trip theatrics (blurry freeze frame flashbacks) and
anti-war sentiment he was still trapped in 1945. Burr DeBenning plays a
hick soldier (yes, there's also a greaseball and a Jew in there somewhere,
I think) and he'd later star in the classic story of Michael Jackson, The
Incredible Melting Man!
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THE
BEASTS (1980). Long before Category 3 Dennis Yu pumped out this crude little
film that includes a great deal of nudity and some graphic sexual content
that would be too much even for a modern audience. Obviously based on movies
like Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes, it has
the usual Hong Kong prejudices against Mainlanders and provincials. A group
of city kids head out to the farthest reaches of the New Territories, to
a small village that "has a waterfall" (such fun). Instantly they are not
welcome, as the local head denies them the use of the telephone, and even
worse, they become the targets for a group of local yokels called, in what
can only be a terrible mis-translations, disco boys. Now, I know what you're
thinking, they are an organized gang, the sort that might have graced a
Charles Bronson film circa 1985, but no, they aren't really a "gang" as
such, since apparently, if I understood the subtitles correctly, "disco
boys" is a generic term, as at one point the village head denies that his
town has any "disco boys". I'm going to guess that "disco boy" is a derisive
term who's subtleties were lost to whomever made the incomprehensible English
subs. Anyway, our teens set up camp, and one of them is alone while two
others go off to make out in the tall grass (very romantic) and is set upon
by the disco boys, who strip her and gang rape her. This scene actually
is fairly shocking, its not so much brutal or anything, but we are given
a gynecology lesson normally only found in porno as the girl gets fingered
a few times, and there is even a close-up of an erect disco boy penis (which
I really didn't need to see). And who's that not taking part in the rape?
Yes, its "Fatty" Kent Cheng Jak-Si, who appeared in numerous Yu movies in
the early 80s. The teens find the girl missing and run off to find her nude
and unconscious, her brother runs off after the disco boys, and is thrown
into a "boar trap" lined with sharpened bamboo, and dies screaming while
the disco boys laugh at him. The boyz are a motley bunch, besides Fatty
Kent there's a guy with an afro who gets farted on in a bar, there's a guy
with a beard who manages to actually get laid, there's the nominal leader
(Wong Ching? I can't tell) who has bad teeth, and, most amazingly, a guy
called Snake, who plays around with live snakes, is as pale as a ghost,
has horrific teeth, and actually growls and screams like an animal. He is
one of the single creepiest people ever to appear in a movie, every inch
the primitive provincial he plays in the movie (where the hell did Yu find
this guy?). The girl descends into madness after her rape, the town denies
they have disco boys (as previously explained), and the only one who will
testify to their existence, ends up buried alive for his troubles. After
the father of the raped girl and dead boy (Chan Sing, an old-school chop
socky actor, in nearly every Chen Cheh movie) finds that nothing will be
done to further justice in this case, he heads out to the boonies to take
revenge, and methodically kills off the disco boys in particularly brutal
fashion. One is hacked to death with a machete (after being caught in a
bear trap), one is dropped, Viet-Cong style, into a box lined with nails,
Snake is gutted, and two others are drowned. The moral is provided by Fatty
Kent, who says, "you all are wicked" and decides to swim to Holland (I guess).
I can't say this movie is particularly good, it lacks the atmosphere that
the film's its copying have, and is, in fact, rather indifferently made,
suffering not only from a low budget, but a pointless score (including hits
from The Police and Peter Gabriel!), a strange mixture of performances,
and misplaced humor, but maybe in a way its very crudeness and obscurity
(it has to be one of the least-known Hong Kong horror films) make it something
of a curiosity item. The tape from Video Search of Miami is in really awful
shape, and seems to have been cut by somebody (I don't mean the actual film,
I mean the video tape!) since the movie only runs about 70 minutes.
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BEAKS:
THE MOVIE (aka BEAKS/BIRDS OF PREY, 1987).
Rene Cardona, Jr. was no Rene Cardona, and that much can be seen by this
idiocy done while Junior was shit-faced. I suppose its supposed to be a
rip-off (or, as Brian DePalma would say, a "homage") to Hitchcock's
The Birds, but is too incompetent to even be called a descent
rip-off, it isn't very funny, but is stupid and boring (yay!!!). Christopher
Atkins (from The Blue Lagoon where he wishes he'd stayed) and Michelle
Johnson are a new sort of Tracy and Hepburn, playing cameraman and reporter
who investigate why birds are attacking people in slow motion. Plenty of
eye gouging along with lovely photography (the end credits) and acting and
dubbing that are best described as "poor". At one point Atkins
talks to his dick, so maybe Bill Clinton fans will like this. Made in Puerto
Rico, that country's sole contribution to world culture until J-Lo.
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BEAUTIFUL
MYSTERY [Kyokon Densetsu: Utsukushii Naza] (1983). Japanese sex filmmakers
must be pretty flexible, as director Genji Nakamura had made literally dozens
of cheap sex films for warhorse Nikkatsu studio since the early 70s, most
of which were hetro or lesbian, but he somehow ended up making this, the
first "major" (whatever that means) gay film for ENK studio, Nikkatsu's
gay film branch. This one is like the usual Nikkatsu product, only cheaper
and even sillier. This is a goofy spoof on the right wing and Yukio Mishima.
Ren Osugi (later a hard-boiled character actor familiar from Takeshi Kitano's
films) runs a nationalistic organization that student Tatsuya Nagatomo eagerly
joins. The group is, of course, a haven for macho gays, so there's a lot
of rolling around and tenderness (hilarious!) culminating in a big "orgy"
with some less than-enthusiastic acting (huh? no real gay people in Japan?).
Like Mishima, Osugi's character is obsessed with seppuku, and the most interesting
scenes deal with his theatrical preparations for his suicide ("is it beautiful?").
It's mostly serious (despite lots of unintentional humor) until the end,
when lovers Nagatomo and Kei Kubito oversleep the big seppuku ritual and
become transvestite hosts at a gay bar! The cartoonish ending comes out
of left field, and its not surprising that right-wing groups protested.
Rokuro Mochizuki wrote the screenplay, as well as the scripts for other
gay films before becoming a director with films like Onibi, that
also had a gay sub-plot.
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BEAUTY
INVESTIGATOR (1992).
Another mediocre girls-with-guns flick with Moon Lee as a cop sent undercover
to find an "abnormal" sex killer, in the course of the investigation
she and her partner find out about some sneaky dealing by a ruthless Triad
boss and the Yakuza. Oshima plays a hit woman who's actually an undercover
cop (how many times will this plot be used?). Some good action scenes, especially
the finale, but most of the stuff in between is pretty lame, though you
do get to see wholesome and cute Lee smoke and say "fuck you"
so if that gets your rocks off this is your film.
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A BETTER
TOMORROW 2 (1987). After John Woo made a phenomenal splash with the original
A BETTER TOMORROW (1986) he made this quickie sequel, apparently
as a favor to formerly popular comedian Dean Shek who was in financial straits
at the time. Basically it's the worst film imaginable from Woo, uninspired
and insipid, with hilarious scenes and terrible acting, even from the venerable
Chow Yun-Fat. The plot is the old ex-crook being set up and forced back
into a life of crime, as Shek plays a former underworld boss who is driven
insane by the machinations of his seedy right hand man. Ti Lung returns
as good-guy ex-con Ho, who's roped into getting the dirt on Shek, Lesile
Cheung is Lung's determined cop little brother, and, amusingly, Chow Yun-Fat
returns as the "twin brother" of the character the played in the first film.
Most of the film is spent in long uncomfortable scenes of Shek crawling
around and babbling like a baby, and amazingly awful English-speaking "actors"
("This fried rice fucking stinks!!"). The only reason to watch is the final
action blowout, which features typical scenes of wave after wave of brainless
triad kamikazes running into the hero's bullets. Even worse than Broken
Arrow!!
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BEWARE
CHILDREN AT PLAY (1989).
This one is great: a stupid, gory and senseless film that's a laugh riot.
A pulp writer (Michael Robertson), his annoying wife and "cute"
daughter travel to the backwoods of New Jersey to a small town and find
the children are disappearing. Its all got something to do with Beowulf.
The children are a pack of cannibals controlled by a teenage savage. The
writing, acting, editing, music, and effects are abominable, but this is
as unintentionally funny a movie that I've seen in a while. The characters
are all incredibly stupid and obnoxious (the doughnut headed writer, even
after learning of the cannibal tots, stays at an isolated farmhouse, alone,
at night, and sleeps in a hammock!). The ending is amazing though, as the
"Bible thumping moron" townsfolk get together and slaughter all
the little kids: kids are shot with gushing wounds, beaten with bottles
and pipes, stabbed with knives, hacked with machetes, axed, heads are blown
off, brains are splattered, and one is shot with an arrow (with the guiding
strings visible)!! Hilarious for all the wrong reasons, a perfect movie
for 42nd Street that's ten years too late.
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THE BEYOND
[E Tu Vivrai nel Terrore! L'Alidila] (1981).
Lucio Fulci's "masterpiece" is extremely silly, replacing the
morbid atmosphere of The Gates of Hell with usually risible attempts
at dreamy surrealism, but its all a lot of grotesque fun. Katherine MacColl
(the poor woman's Ali MacGraw?) inherits a hotel that turns out to be one
of the "seven doors to hell" and after many gory deaths the door
threatens to open up. David Warbeck plays a squinting, skeptical doctor
as a cross between Clint Eastwood, Roger Moore, and Harrison Ford, but when
the zombies show up he just can't figure the whole "shoot 'em in the
head!" thing. Like most Italo-horror almost nothing makes sense, as
people die violently and hardly get any reaction out of the characters,
but Fulci and make-up/effects man Gianetto di Rossi deliver gore by the
bucket, eyes are gouged, throats are torn, and in a laughable scene a guy
is "eaten" by "spiders", some real, some embarrassing
fakes. There are lots of close-ups of blind eyes. In 1998 this was re-released
to theaters for midnight showings and seeing this wide-screen in a theater
was very impressive. It included theatrical previews for Detroit 9000,
Blood Feast (genius!), I Dismember Mama, Massacre Mafia
Style, Make Them Die Slowly, etc.
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THE BIG
HEAT (1988).
Not to be confused with Fritz Lang's 1953 film, this Tsui Hark production
is an obvious cash-in on A Better Tomorrow, but is better than most
imitators. Waise Lee (usually the overacting villain) plays a morose cop
who's about to retire when he finds out his ex-partner has been murdered,
so he teams up with his new partner (Kwok Tsui/Philip Kwok, one of the action
directors), a goofy new recruit (Matthew Wong) and a Malaysian cop (Lo King-Wah)
to solve the case. They get caught up in a blackmail plot, and a drug running
scheme run by a sadistic gangster (Chu Kong, before his big part in Woo's
The Killer). Directors Andrew Kam and Johnny To go all out, less
for Woo-style action than for Japanese style violence, and we've got a decapitation,
a drill through a hand, a man run over by ten cars, and even a poor guy
torn in half by an elevator. There's also a superb shoot-out in a hospital,
and a stirring theme by Lowell Lo.
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THE BLACK
CAT (1981).
One of Lucio Fulci's most disappointing films, as he has a great cast and
a silly story but still manages to botch it. Patrick Magee (one of his last
films) tires to communicate with the dead and uses black cats to carry out
various bad deeds, or do the cats control him? One bloodless murder after
another, and slow to boot, Fulci wasn't very interested in doing this film
and it shows. Unless you see a letterboxed version you'll spend 92 minutes
looking at Magee's bushy eyebrows.
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THE BLACK
CAT (1934).
Even today this Edgar G. Ulmer movie stands out as one of the finest horror
films ever made. It's bizarre, kinky, and ghoulish, and has two great stars:
Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff. Lugosi plays a crazy psychiatrist (did he
diagnose himself? ba-dum-ching) who's spent fifteen years in prison and
is seeking vengeance against Karloff, a Satan worshipping freak who lives
in a huge "modern" castle and has an odd wardrobe. This obviously
has nothing to do with Poe's story, but is a masterpiece, moody and stylish.
Ulmer's direction was never better than this, achieving several haunting
moments, as well as Grand Guingol ones, like Karloff's grisly demise, and
plenty of S&M underpinnings. Slightly marred by David Manners, the dumbest
hero in screen history.
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BLACK LIZARD
[Kurotokage] (1968).
This is a one-of-a-kind movie. It was adapted from a stage play by Yukio
Mishima (who has a brief cameo, showing off his muscles-two years later
he committed seppuku) and starred the famous transvestite Akihiro Maruyama.
It was taken from a story by Edogawa Rampo, Japan's master of old-school
Poe knock-offs and revolves around a super glamorous supercrimial (Maruyama,
of course) who conspires to kidnap the daughter and steal a valuable diamond
from a rich industrialist. She plans to turn the daughter into a flesh and
blood doll (Mishima plays one) but unfortunately she meets her match in
Japan's #1 detective, Akechi (Isao Kimura) who takes the time to fall in
love with "her". Mishima's play was serious, a dirge on the beauty
of death, but no one could take Kinji Fukasaku's film seriously. He takes
every gaudy excess of the late 60s and pushes it pretty far out, with wild
cutting, zooms, and absurd production design. But the gaudiest excess of
all is Maruyama, an ugly "woman" but a fascinating screen presence,
taking every feminine gesticulation and pumping it up slightly, making a
hypnotic, flamboyant performance that can't be beat (not by Wesely Snipes,
anyway).
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BLACK MAMBA
(1974).
To be honest I was surprised by this movie, I was expecting another cheesy
John Ashley Filipino movie, but instead I find, yes, a slightly cheesy movie,
but also a fascinating and atmospheric movie with some chilling moments.
The plot itself is filled with stock characters and situations: the opening
features a deformed hunchback robbing a grave, he later sees an image of
Death and drops dead of fright. Enter mellow doctor John Ashley (and his
incredible wardrobe) who investigates, but doesn't find anything unusual.
Later a shopkeeper falls ill, as does a friend of Ashley's (Pilar Pilapil),
who's husband has recently died, and who now lives in the home of a wealthy
businessman (Ashley film vet Eddie Garcia). It turns out that a sorceress
is responsible, and after the woman saw the sorceress in church wearing
a ring that was on the finger of her dead husband all of the mysterious
events and deaths begin to take place. Ashley, of course, is skeptical,
but eventually comes around and has to take on the sorceress. Now, granted,
this movie is cheap as hell, and frequently confusing and or incompetent,
but for such a cheap and seemingly bottom-of-the-barrel obscurity, it has
a great deal of mood and atmosphere that is missing from many other similar
films, as well as a lot of local color that is always welcome in any movie.
More interesting to me is that the reason for the sorceress' curses is never
explained, suggesting that the superstitious ways of these people have no
use other than evil. For fans of bizarre self-indulgent dream sequences,
check out the one in here, where the sorceress goes to hell and dances around
before doing it with the Devil while Pilapil is raped by a snake! This is
one of the most obscure films I've ever seen, and it might not even be worth
hunting down for the inclined, but if you do ever come across it I don't
think you'd hurt yourself by seeing it.
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THE
BLADE (1995). I guess you could call this the anti-kung fu movie
movie. Its far removed from the Yuen Woo-Ping school of marital arts cinema
that had come to dominate in Hong Kong for years. You've seen it, wire work,
wire work, and a little bit more wire work aided of course by lightning
quick editing. I've never been a fan of this approach, though I respect
Yuen's films, to me the joy of kung-fu movies is the ungainly physical grace
of the actors, while David Chiang doesn't move as balletically as Jet Li,
there is a hard-boiled reality to his movements. Fighting isn't about flying
around like some kind of superhero, its about getting your body right there
in the muck and the mud and the blood. Watching David Chiang take on an
army of swordsmen and the end of The New One Armed Swordsman is,
to me, far more visceral and enjoyable than Jet Li flying around like a
kite. Of course, Tsui Hark, with his Once Upon a Time in China movie
effectively popularized this style of cinematic combat, and perhaps this
movie is a reaction to it, since it owes much more to Chang Cheh than to
the Tsui Hark of old. In fact, this movie is a loose remake of Chang's classic
The One-Armed Swordsman that kicked off the martial arts genre in
the 70s. On (Tsui Man-Cheuk who starred in a couple of the Once Upon
a Time in China movies in Jet Li's absence) plays a young swords smith
in a primitive, distant China of the past, a barren desert filled with brutal
warriors and warlords. He and another smith, Iron Head (Moses Chan) are
the objects of affection of the plain daughter Ling (Song Li, for whom Tsui
re-wrote most of the film) of the head of the school. Changes start to come
to this little world, closed off from the constant martial strife around
them (the boss at one point says, "I don't care what people do with the
swords they buy from us") when On and Iron Head witness a kung-fu fighting
Buddhist monk take on several men from a brutal gang of hunters who are
attempting to assault a young woman. He beats them, but later on is ambushed
and killed. Iron Head is outraged and wants revenge, but On holds him back.
Eventually the boss decides to retire and gives control of the factory to
On, which causes resentment in the ranks, and a mass defection of men, who
wish to join in the nihilistic lifestyle of the land. On demands to know
his true lineage, as he is the boss' adopted son. He learns that he is the
son of a famous swordsman who was killed by an absolutely ferocious tattooed
bandit (the supremely intimidating Xiong Xin-Xin), and was saved by the
boss of the factory, and in fact, the talisman like broken sword that protects
the school from outside trouble was wielded by On's father. On takes the
sword and casts himself out amidst the various warring factions of the Martial
World. The boss' daughter leaves to find him and stumbles into the lair
of the aforementioned hunters (who use a rather unpleasant instrument, bear
traps, to catch people and animals) who are about to do something really
sub-human to Song when On comes to the rescue, but ends up with his arm
hacked off and left for dead for his troubles. After finding himself in
the care of a wild female farmer called Blackhead, and abused even more
by another gang of cut-throats, On takes up his father's sword and
trains for revenge. Meanwhile Ling and Iron Head go looking for On, whom
Ling is convinced is alive. They meet up with a prostitue that both Iron
Head and On had become entranced with, and she teaches the fantasy bound
Ling some important lessons about just how despicable men are (while being
raped and generally abused). On meanwhile (this plot is too thick!) slaughters
an entire gang of bandits, which brings the wrath of the opium smoking gang
head (who's face is so damn familiar, but I can't remember his bloody name!)
who hires, you guessed it, the savage tattooed killer who had slaughtered
On's father (not to mention skinned him). This leads to a raid of the sword-making
factory and a final confrontation between On and the killer that is as exciting
as it is brutal. The first thing that struck me about this movie was how
much it instantly reminded me of Chang Cheh, while Chang's film's were never
this slickly made, the sheer senseless, violent bleakness of it all is startling.
But, unlike in Chang, nobody here seems to be much of a master of anything.
The swordfights are the least balletic possible, rather than gracefully
locking swords, the fighters here twirl, jump, dodge, kick, scratch and
strangle each other, the sword is just an extension of the arm, and as such
is wielded almost blindly. This isn't Wang Yu avenging anybody, these are
primitive people, guided by the most basic of emotions, above all survival.
When towns are raided, there is no martial hero to stop the bandits from
raping and pillaging, in fact, there really aren't any heroes at all, the
only one who comes close, the powerful Buddhist monk, are instantly killed
for their troubles, this world is so bad there really isn't any time for
heroics, which prove fruitless and false in the end. The only heroic actions
come solely from self-preservation. Its frequently been pointed out that
Tsui took the basic idea that Chang Cheh's films revolve around (as well
as all martial arts movies), that of jiang hu, "the martial world",
and made it a literal place, like the wasteland of Mad Max, but that,
once entered, cannot be left. Warriors fight it out, but even martial standbys
like honor and fidelity are cast out in the fight for survival. But, it
is the fact that the story is told from the point of view of a woman, Ling,
that is Tsui's master-stroke. It is this that gives the movie the underlying,
questioning quality. Why, for instance, does every action have to be avenged?
Ling wonders why On is so quick to avenge a father he never knew, especially
since On's father made On's adopted father swear not to tell On his true
history to keep him from seeking vengeance. Ling wonders why, in the end
(which is especially melancholy), all the men around her must leave to be
alone, wandering the wasteland looking for trouble. Tsui's movie really
takes place from the perspective of the passersby in martial arts movies,
who watch the heroes and villains go at it, why do these men need to fight
and kill and destroy everything around them. In a way Tsui seems to be suggesting
that in the Martial World all values are equally destructive. That said,
things do have the familiar Tsui touch, too fast, too loud, perfunctory
story telling, shrill, loud performances (Song especially is grating with
her constant screaming and whining), confusing and sudden exposition that
is never elaborated upon and so on. Tsui is a major film maker, and a highly
talented one, but he has never learned to just let go of his distrust of
his script and let the story tell itself, rather than having twenty cuts
a second and upside down camerawork.
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BLADE OF
FURY (1993). Highly regarded by some people, I found this to be rather dull
and listless, though it was an attempt to capture the flavor of earlier
martial arts movies, it falls far short of more recent offerings and their
forebears. The complicated (as usual) plot has Yueng Fan forming a patriotic
organization of martial artists that is quickly decimated from an attack
by, no, not the Manchu, the Japanese. Years later he joins forces with Ti
Lung, a reform minded offical, but a small army of traitorous friends and
villainous kings make things difficult. The fight scenes are generally well
done, but rely too much on obvious undercranking and blurry slow motion
(that was trendy at the time), which is far from the usual clean and logical
style of director/co-star Sammo Hung. There is some bloody violence, Cynthia
Khan not playing a cop, overacting Sammo as a villain, there’s also a guy
without eyebrows (who’s creepy looking!) and a short girl playing
a Japanese swordsman (I still haven’t figured that one out).
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BLOOD FEAST
(1963).
H.G. Lewis isn't as smart as he thinks he is or else he wouldn't have made
a film this dumb. Who else would make a caterer the villain? The rather
extraordinary Mal Arnold plays an "exotic caterer" with a limp
who butchers nubile young women for the ancient goddess Ishtar. So, he chops
off legs, cuts out a tongue, de-brains one, all in bloody detail. All the
while a very thick cop (the less extraordinary Thomas Wood) investigates
and can't connect the most obvious clues, but somehow jumps over a large
logical chasm to solve the case. The acting and dialogue are all cruddy,
but the effects are pretty neat, with the reddest stage blood in film history.
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BLOODSUCKING
FREAKS (1975). A lot of people have seen this movie, and a lot of people
don't like it. I read a review of it in some Leonard Maltin wannabe book
and it said so many nasty things about it that I had to see it. Nobody rented
it so I had to scrounge together $20 to buy it from my local Tower Records.
I watched it a couple of weeks before Christmas and loved it. It's a stupid
movie, granted, and is like porno without the porno, but its too charming
not to like. Exactly who everybody in this movie is is a bit of a mystery.
As far as I can tell only Niles McMaster (Alice Sweet Alice) and
Viju Krem (some obscure sex movie Something Weird Video sells) and the big
fat guy who played the pedophile landlord in Alice Sweet Alice were
in anything else recognizable, and for that matter they all disappeared
within a year or two of the film coming out. At any rate the plot is classic:
Krem (I guess) plays Sardu, and runs a "torture" show out of a Soho theater,
everyone laughs and thinks that its fake, but of course its all real, and
Sardu is up to much worse things backstage. Then again, everyone laughs
because the effects are so shitty, but that's another matter. Sardu and
his midget servant Ralphus (Louis De Jesus) run a white slavery ring and
keep a stable of on hand women to torture, as well as a cage full of, well,
"Caged Sexoids" who eat raw meat. One night "world renown" ballerina Natasha
De Natelli (Helen Thompson) and her quarterback boyfriend Dan Maverick (!)-McMaster
come to Sardu's show, and after Sardu is mocked by know-nothing (since we
all know Sardu is a genius) theatre critic Creasy Siloh (Seamus O'Brien,
who the hell is that?) he decides to kidnap De Natelli and put her in an
"artful" sadistic stage production. So he kidnaps De Natelli and Siloh,
bending De Natelli to his will by cutting off the feet of one of her friends
and other gruesome things. Eventually De Natelli becomes Sardu's slave,
so Dan Maverick springs into action, enlisting the help of a corrupt cop
(Dan Fauci) to get De Natelli back, but will he succeed? Things go badly
for everyone, except Sardu, who wins no matter what.
Since director Joel M. Reed never did another interesting film its hard
to see where his inspiration came from, some have suggested the film is
a rip off of The Wizard of Gore but that seems far-fetched. The plot
is just a silly and campy (if extreme) mixture of everything Reed could
come up with. Despite the low budget, there are some pretty silly and theatrical
performances here, especially Krem, who steals the whole show. Where did
he come from and where did he go? Personally I like jock Maverick, who's
pretty sensitive when you come right down to it, saying: "Well, who am I
to say what's art and what isn't?" Of course, everyone remembers the last
shot and the famous brain sucking scene, where a demented doctor shocks
even Sardu by pulling our a woman's teeth (you don't need to know what happens
next) shaving her head, drilling a hole, and sucking out her brains. I doubt
"extreme" John Waters would have the guts to pull off something like that
(he's too busy writing columns in Better Homes and Gardens). For
that matter Reed manages to put in more women abuse than a Jamie Gillis
movie, but how could anyone complain? No one but an ass or a feminist would
take this seriously. Alright, the movie is a little over the top, but no
one protests the boobs in Titanic or the slithering guts in Saving
Private Ryan. Reed at the very least managed to put together a movie
that's funny and interesting, it's stupid and doesn't care, and anyone who
can't appreciate that should stick to Friday the 13th or The Little
Mermaid or whatever the hell you're watching that makes you so bothered
by this.
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BLOODTHIRST
(1996).
This is an unbelievably cheap and shoddy SoV made in my hometown, San Diego.
It goes out of its way to be bad with pretty hilarious gore scenes and a
lot of wooden acting. Surfer Paul Rigopoulos dies and is turned into a vampire,
these vamps run around killing people with the assistance of a crazed doctor
(Scott Hoover). There's a guy who gets hammered in a beach side public bathroom
(those things are scarier than anything in any movie reviewed here) complete
with blood obviously being sprayed from off camera, some skaters get their
brains torn out and arms chopped off. There's a vampire hunter with a half-assed
German accent who has a heart attack and pees his pants, there's a swinger
who gets AIDS, and there's lots of cursing and everyone smokes. The only
place I've ever even seen this (if you're interested) was at a video store
in San Diego that had some of the "props" hanging up (insert your
own "props" pun here).
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BLOODTHIRSTY
BUTCHERS (1970).
All of Andy Milligan's movies are pretty terrible, and this one is no exception,
but what do you expect? John Miranda plays Sweeny Todd, the Fleet Street
barber with a sadistic streak who kills people for money. He teams with
a baker (Anabella Wood) who puts various body parts into her pies, and they're
aided by a laborer (Milligan mainstay Berwick Kaler) who does a lot of the
dirty work. There's a lot of typical Milligan anti-social stuff as people
are spat on, beaten and raped. The "effects" consist of various
dummy limbs being lopped off. The sound is awful and half the dialogue in
inaudible, but the dubbed in sound of someone imitating a dog barking (?)
can be clearly heard. It's 16mm blown up to 35mm, and oftentimes you wonder
why the hell you're watching this.
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BLUE
JEAN MONSTER (1990). This is one of those movies that sets you to scratching
your head from the start and keeps you scratching until the end. Its one
of those great Hong Kong amalgamations of every sort of genre, from low-brow
sex farce to semi-touching family drama. Hong Kong's resident Triad bad
guy, Shing Fui-On (Johnny Weng from The Killer) gets to play a good
guy for once (and I think the only time) as a cop with a pregnant wife (who
let's a typically obnoxious crippled street urchin live with him) who gets
a bad omen at a Buddhist temple, but, paying it no mind, sets off to stop
a gang from robbing a bank. He finds them (in typical HK fashion, killing
about 20 people before speeding off) in the course of the robbery and takes
off after them. The robbers have taken a hostage, a cute girl named Gucci,
and they end up at a construction site (typically, since that's where 9
out of every 10 Hong Kong car chases end up). Shing ties up the robbers,
but one escapes his notice and drops a ton of steel debris on him, and the
gang finishes the job by pumping 1000 bullets into his carcass. Not quite
dead, a cat crawls across him, sending some sort of ancient Chinese
secret coursing through his body, now, I'm not too sure what this has to
do with anything, but in the next moment power lines fall on Shing, bringing
him back to life. He revives just in time to save Gucci, who's about to
be killed by a baddie on a dirt bike (like kung-fu masters who search for
revenge seeking half-dead students, criminals in Hong Kong walk around specifically
looking for women who've just escaped from a stressful situation to harass
them more), but is stabbed with a sharpened pipe. Shing goes home and notices
that he's impervious to pain (cuts himself with a glass and stitches it
closed) and that he has an enormous wound in his abdomen that he covers
with a maxi pad!!! Later that night Shing eats noodles with his wife, and,
predictably, the noodles start to come out of Shing's enormous festering
wound, which are promptly eaten by his crippled underling (called, inexplicably,
Power Steering). Finding the maxi pad to be ineffective against
the giant festering wound, Shing uses cookie mix (just go with me here)
that, of course, later hardens into a cookie that is eaten by Power Steering.
Shing adjusts to his new status as a dead guy who must be periodically revived
by jolts of electricity fairly well, deciding that he must 1) see his baby
born, and 2) avenge his own death against the gang of robbers. This is the
sort of movie that just tosses the craziest shit at you non-stop: a sub-plot
revolves around Shing's wife thinking he's gone gay (one of those, "yeah
he was on top of me humping away, but its not what it looked like") and
so her friend suggests she hire her prostitute friend, Death Rays to switch
him back. Death Rays is played by Amy Yip, of the big o'boobs, who shows
up to seduce Shing, but, for some reason, cigarette smoke causes him to
go bonkers, so he grabs Yip's tits, and squeezes her monster chest down
to nothing, complete with milk squirting out!! Yip can only exclaim, "you've
ruined my endowment!" you can say that again. By the end, there's a showdown
between Shing and the robbers, complete with Shing's wife having to give
birth (to a baby that looks like its about 6 months old) before a bomb goes
off so she can fit through a window. The final head scratch: why is this
called Blue Jean Monster?
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THE BODY
BENEATH (1970).
Wow, a bad Andy Milligan film, who would've guessed? This one is
maybe the worst I've yet seen, and that says something. Gavin Reed plays
arrogant priest Algernon Ford, who is a vampire. He kidnaps Jackie Skarvellis,
a relative, in order to continue his vampiric bloodline. Lacking any violence
or sex or anything interesting for that matter this was the longest 74 minutes
of my entire life. Berwick Kaler plays a hunchback, if you care
about these things, and there's some American bashing.
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THE BODYGUARD
(1976). Sorry, you won’t hear Sonny Chiba do his rendition of I Will
Always Love You, but you will see where Quentin Tarantino got that Bible
verse that Samuel Jackson spouts in Pulp Fiction. Sonny Chiba plays…Sonny
Chiba, this time employed as a bodyguard to a woman in order to take down
some drug dealers. Well, I think that’s what was supposed to be going on,
since most of the film takes place in almost complete darkness, its always
a good sign when the director isn’t even credited. Chiba tears off a guys
arm, and kicks off another’s head, and there is footage of Aaron Banks and
Bill Louie talking about Chiba and Bruce Lee at the beginning for no reason
other than to pad out the running time.
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THE BODYGUARD
FROM BEIJING (1994). Despite its pro-Mainland stance, this Corey Yuen Kwai/Jet
Li vehical is not too bad. Li plays a Mainland Chinese bodyguard/robot (kidding,
though Li’s usual wooden performance makes it seem plausible) who is sent
to Hong Kong to protect a young woman who is to testify against a drug kingpin.
This is more or less the same as the other Yuen/Li films, My Father is
a Hero, Fist of Legend, and Fong Sai-Yuk, little plot,
lots of wire stunts and frenzied action, and a little bit of harmless goofball
humor (though not in the Wong Jing vein I’m afraid). The finale rips off
Full Contact, but is pretty well executed, and the whole thing is
agonizingly predictable, but certainly not bad.
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BRAINDEAD
(1992).
I can't believe someone actually tried to cut this film to get an "R"
rating at Blockbuster's command. I've never seen that version, but I can
imagine what it must be like. Why would Blockbuster even rent a film like
this in the first place if it only wants to cut it to the point that the
people who actually want to see the movie would just go somewhere else?
Ah, corporate America. Anyway, Peter Jackson steps it up a notch (before
jumping down ten with Heavenly Creatures and The Frighteners
with Michael J. Fox) and takes things about as far out as
they can go. The movie is too much by the end, but is pretty crazy none-the-less.
In 1950s New Zealand hapless Timothy Balme loves the lovely Pequita (Diane
Penalver) but his awful mother (Elizabeth Moody) doesn't approve, and while
spying on them at the zoo is bitten by a rare rat/monkey that turns people
into undead ghouls (reasonable defense against natural predators I guess).
Pretty soon mother is dead and Balme has to deal with an unending army of
zombies. Basically a non-stop gore film that gets more bizarre as time goes
on making Sam Raimi look like Merchant/Ivory. It'd take several paragraphs
to describe everything, but the showstopper features Balme and a lawnmower.
The acting is pretty good and broad for a change, and the movie itself is
pretty funny, as long as you don't think it's a documentary.
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BRAM STOKER'S
COUNT DRACULA [El Conde Dracula] (1969).
I've always wondered about Jess Franco fans. No matter how many glowing
articles this clown gets in pretentious British film journals his films
are the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel, and I've never seen anything from
him that even rose to the level of uninspired. Franco likes vampire films
because they're cheap to make, and this one is no exception, despite the
incredible cast Franco fucks up for the millionth time. You know the story,
except in Bram Stoker's version the heroes aren't menaced by stuffed animals
or almost crushed by paper mache boulders. Producer Harry Allen Towers (a
con man) advertised this as the "definitive" version but the "definitive"
aspects of the production end as soon as retard Franco picks up the camera.
Klaus Kinsky plays Renfield, but is hardly in the movie (Franco prefers
his stock High School drama students to real actors) and Christopher Lee
is Drac again. At least those two have the excuse that they'd appear in
anything as long as they were paid. Why did anyone else do it?
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BRANDED
TO KILL [Koroshi no Rakuin] (1967).
Seijun Suzuki was unknown in the US, now everyone proclaims him a genius.
He's no genius, but his early films are at least watchable, and actually
superb. This one is just exhausting. Interesting, but exhausting. The incredible
Jo Shishido plays the #3 hitman who's obsessed with becoming #1, so he eliminates
some of the competition before playing mindgames with #1. There's plenty
of stuff going on, especially Shishido's bizarre sexual fixation on cooked
rice (?), but by the middle the movie becomes meaningless and downright
dull. Suzuki's job was to make entertaining films, this one isn't artistic,
and it isn't entertaining, it's (as Kazuyoshi Okuyama called Kitano's Sonatine)
and auteurist ego trip.
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BROTHER
(2000). More than a few great directors have not found much success in America.
Don't ask me why, even someone like the great Kurosawa, who managed to make
a fine movie in the USSR was driven to despair while working for an American
studio on Tora Tora Tora!. Even someone like John Woo, for all his
vulgar, populist tendencies, has lost every bit of his individuality in
the boom boom juggernaut of Hollywood, and has essentially stooped to making
lengthy essays starring Tom Cruise's hair. Takeshi Kitano hasn't gone that
far, but he's still failed. Brother isn't exactly an American production,
more of a British-Japanese one, but it was clearly geared towards the American
market in many ways. Kitano leaves the familiar confides of Tokyo for Los
Angeles, and leaves behind (for the most part) the Japanese language for
English, one that he's hardly a master in (though he did speak it quite
well in Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence). Brother is a weird
and awkward concoction, a violent gangster movie crossed with elements of
a typical buddy movie and "fish-out-of-water" premises. The result is haphazard
and a little silly. It pains me to say it, since I think I must've come
upon Kitano's films in around 1995, when I saw (thanks to an awful Video
Search of Miami bootleg) Sonatine and was instantly blown away by
its inventiveness and audacity, it seemed at times that the farthest thing
from Kitano's mind was making a gangster movie, in its own way it resembled
a meandering, loping American film from the 70s, in which the "plot" was
nothing more than a series of loosely connected pieces somewhat arbitrarily
put together. Of course, today, such an approach seems incomprehensible,
since most movies, despite running two or three hours, are mostly overstuffed
with meaningless scenes that do nothing to give meaning to the behavior
of the characters, but rather exist to set up the next special effect. Kitano
instantly struck me as a figure out of a bygone era, a carefully, stylistically
impeccable genre film that is none-the-less more interested with the intangible
elements of human behavior. His gangsters are like children, they mess around
and play games while they wait around to be killed. While, to an extent,
I've noticed that Kitano has tended to repeat himself a bit in his recent
films, but nothing like Brother, in which he cannibalizes himself
to no real effect. Scenes similar to ones in Sonatine or Hana-Bi
arrive and leave without much impact. That is the real problem with Brother,
everything happens and it doesn't do anything, at least not to me, the endless
stream of killings and counter killings and mutilations and so on are heartless
and cold, Kitano's unfeeling camera makes you admire, in some strange way,
his doomed cops (Violent Cop or Hana-Bi), gangsters (Boiling
Point, Sonatine) lovers and outcasts (Scene at the Sea,
Kids Return). In Brother the killings are overwrought and
even bizarre, when Omar Epps, as Kitano's buddy, finds his family slaughtered
by the Mafia, there's no reaction whatsoever, its only another killing,
there's no interest in Epps or his family. There's not much reason to recount
the plot in detail, since it is so simple. Essentially, Kitano flees Japan
when his Yakuza clan is disbanded and comes to America to see his younger
"brother" (not a blood relation at any rate, but who is played by Claude
Maki from A Scene at the Sea) who is now a low level drug dealer.
On the street he has a run in with a black tough (Epps) who works with Maki,
of course Kitano makes short work of the thug and nearly puts his eye out,
though he doesn't recognize Kitano later on when they meet again. Instantly,
Kitano starts to wipe out his younger brother's drug dealing competition,
and soon this interracial gang becomes a powerhouse in the LA underworld,
but when they refuse to play ball with a mythical Mafia, they are soon crushed
underfoot. If you've seen any of Kitano's other films, you know exactly
what will happen. The gangsters retire to game playing and childishness
as they are killed off one by one. The stoic Japanese instill their more
emotional American counterparts with a degree of acceptance towards their
inevitable fate. (The British critic, Alex Walker, cried, of course, racism,
at the film's conclusion, the immovable Japanese are happy to go to their
deaths while the black American is content with a bag of loot, completely
missing the film's final point. Lesson: a liberal and racism are never far
apart.) Why this is better I don't know, and I don't think Kitano is sure
either. Why the fatalistic Japanese are better off than the money happy
Americans isn't exactly clear. When the Japanese owner of an out-of-the-way
diner says, "you Japanese are so inscrutable" it seems that finally Kitano
is falling back on that oldest of conventions: the "unknowable" Oriental.
If anything it seems that the gangsters are simply death-obsessed in a weird
adolescent way, while the Americans are the more realistic ones. But whether
or not Kitano understands American psychology, or criminal psychology in
unimportant, since there is no psychology here beyond mere stereotype. But
the awkwardness of this is nothing compared to the clumsiness of the acting
and the bizarre, zombified way in which the plot advances itself. Most of
the American actors, beyond Epps and James Shigeta are awful, awkwardly
and nervously mouthing their clichéd dialog. A few times there is some realism
here and there, maybe when the actors are allowed to be themselves, but
Kitano's badly realized script keeps getting in the way. The unidiomatic
English dialog is so flatly delivered as to be ridiculous. Lines like, "Why
not, we're gonna massacre 'em all later anyway." are hardly convincing (they
remind me of John Dall's immortally wooden, "how can I ever repay you" from
Spartacus). Kitano's reply, "I understand 'fucking Jap' asshole"
gives things a charge, but shows just how out of his element Kitano is in
America. There are some effective things, like Susumu Terajima (who is one
of Japan's best actors) blowing his brains out, or the way Kitano and Epps
sadistically toy with a captive Mafia boss (another walking cliché, listening
to opera in his silk bathrobe). But nothing and I do mean nothing
can compare favorably to Kitano's previous work, and it's a shame that this
may be many people's introduction to Kitano, who still, despite this stumble,
a major filmmaker. He has hinted that his next film will be a romantic drama,
and as long as it doesn't star Julia Roberts I look forward to it.
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BRUCE
LEE THE MAN/THE MYTH (1976). I think we can all agree that Bruce Lee was
a badass supreme, but I don't put much stock in his movies. Lee himself
was always great, but taken as a whole his movies are slow-moving and amateurish,
with Enter the Dragon coming the closest to a "quality" movie (plus
it has John Saxon and Jim Kelly, so it can't be that bad, if it only
had Ron van Cleef it'd be unbeatable!!). IRONICALLY the scores of hack-epics
based around Lee's life/deeds on earth are actually more entertaining than
any of his films. I think among martial artists (or at least people who
read Black Belt Magazine) and perhaps South East Asians, Bruce Lee
is to them what Elvis and Jesus are to white trash Americans: a source of
tacky inspiration and strength. Elvis was pretty cool and Jesus was in all
those comic books, so Bruce Lee can't be all that bad, but to watch these
sort of movies you expect the guy to start walking on water and curing leprosy
and giving water to Charlton Heston. Not surprisingly given the exploitive
nature of Asian filmmaking, a number of actors made descent careers for
themselves by aping Lee in countless movies. Bruce Li, Bruce Le, Bruce Liang,
Bruce Leung, and Dragon Lee (and of course, who could ever forget, Bronson
Lee) were among those who made the death of an international icon into a
mealticket. Long live capitalism! At any rate, Bruce Li (really a Taiwanese
guy named Ho Chung Tao) is probably the most familiar one, since this movie
appeared countless times on late night TV in America and probably around
the world too. (Of course, cool chop-socky movies are no longer shown on
TV in America ever since the wonder of infomercials was discovered, usually
chop-fu can only be found on Mexican TV at the very least, dubbed into Spanish,
though it doesn't make much difference.) Basically this is the absolute
not-at-all embellished true story of Bruce Lee's life and as such is slightly
more accurate (not to mention watachable) than Dragon: The Bruce Lee
Story. Essentially we learn that Bruce Lee spent his life thusly: 95%
getting into random fights, 4.999999% working out, .000000001% marriage,
acting, having children, developing own style of martial arts. Lee generally
beats the shit out of everyone and then tells them how great kung-fu (or
should I say, "guoong-fouooo") is. Of course all of Lee's opponents are
cowards who have to attack him three or four at once and tend to get really
offended when Lee belittles their fighting school ("guoong-fouoooo!! how
could this happen Thaikaratemanchu is best!!"). Lee fights a fat Japanese
guy who somehow grows a couple of inches and drops about 30 lbs. during
their fight, but he does nasty things because he's a dirty Jap like try
to run Bruce over with a car and send goons with split pants to fight Bruce
in an airport! Where's John Ashcroft to give everyone body cavity searches?
In the end Bruce Lee starts to use all sorts of FUTURISTIC FIGHTING MACHINES
to train with and we are given no explanation as to what he hopes to accomplish
with these machines. It doesn't matter because Bruce Lee dies at the end!
Or does he? Right now Bruce Lee is no doubt bagging groceries in a dirty
Chinese supermarket and saying, "huh, paper…andplastic…………my……………………………………………………guoong-fouoooooo…………………………………………………isthebest!"
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BUIO
OMEGA (Beyond the Darkness, Buried Alive, 1979). Going against the grain
of Argento-inspired stylized slashers, joltin' Joe D'Amato brings us this,
a squirm-inducing and low-key necrophilia melodrama that explains exactly
how D'Amato was able to spend years filming close ups of anal sex. Creepy
Billy Joel lookalike Kieran Canter plays a young man who loses his beloved
fiancee (Cinzia Monreale), possibly due to a hex placed on her by his scheming
and obsessed (and scary-looking) maid (Franca Stoppi). He wastes no time
in digging up her corpse and, using his own special embalming techniques,
puts her into bed where he presumably consummates his marital desires on
her. Typically though, more than being a mere necrophile, he's also a budding
serial killer, offing any girl who either a) finds out his penchant for
digging up corpses or b) gives him a boner. He kills a fat hitchhiker (not
before tearing out her fingernails for some reason), and a sexy jogger (all
he has to do to get her in bed is bandage her hurt ankle), all the while
his crazy maid helps him dispose of bodies (leading to a nausea-inducing
diner sequence) and a private-investigator pokes around the estate. D'Amato
was never a particularly inspired director, which isn't to say he wasn't
professional, he was probably far more professional than many of his other
B-grade Italian contemporaries, and once again, the photography of this
film is quite good (and much easier to appreciate in the new Shriek Show
DVD rather than the washed-out VHS version that went by the middling Buried
Alive title), but the primary strength of this film is the dead-pan way
in which its ridiculous and grotesque plot is rolled out before the viewer,
that and the patently unspectacular way in which the extreme violence is
metted out to various characters, clinical and brutal in every respect.
This is one movie that certainly is no classic, but who's “charms” however
dubious, are thankfully more apparent now that it was been re-released.
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|
BULLET
IN THE HEAD (1990). I remember, when John Woo's movies first hit it big
in America, this was sort of the Holy Grail to any self-respecting Woo
fan. Unlike A Better Tomorrow, The Killer or Hard-Boiled,
this movie was hard to find for quite awhile, yet it had the reputation
of being Woo's best film. Finally, after plunking down the enormous sum
of $40 I was blown away by it, it struck me as one of the single most
intense and depressing films that I had seen. When I finally got to see
it in a theater (in the longer "director's cut" no less, that has become
another Holy Grail for any Woo fan) I was rather enraged that the audience
laughed all the way through it (the audience laughed through A Better
Tomorrow I and II, but I remember nobody really laughing that much
during Hard-Boiled). At the time I thought the audience to be typical
philistines, but looking at Woo's output now I can see the laughter, the
man's films are ridiculous, it's unavoidable. The black and white characters,
the idiotic melodramatic plots, the complete lack of psychological nuance
or insight, and the thundering hammer-fisted direction can make his movies
an exasperating experience. Yet, today, at least to me, Bullet in the
Head still stand out. Despite the obvious "borrowing" from The Deer
Hunter (among other movies) it most reminds me of Kurosawa's Ran,
it is a movie from which all redemption and happiness has been removed,
and it is still a grueling and intense movie, despite (or maybe even because
of) its silliness and stiltedness.
Many films other than
The Deer Hunter have had the "let's follow a group of friends and
their experiences in the war" plot (like Paul Veerhoven's Soldier of
Orange), and Woo uses three members of the Hong Kong underclass, street
toughs (who look to be much too old to be teenage toughs) who get into
rumbles and general mischief, and have no real plans in life. Ben (Tony
Leung, in a genuinely star-making performance) is something of a pragmatist
as well as a romantic, and is the only one (it seems) to have any relationships
with girls, as he marries his sweetheart (Fennie Yuen), Frank (Jacky Cheung)
is the wide-eyed kid of the group, doggedly loyal to his friends, and
Paul (Waise Lee) is the most ambitious, obsessed with becoming a big-shot
so as to forget his street sweeper father. After Ben's wedding, he and
Frank kill a local hood in a street fight, and are forced to run off to
Vietnam with Paul and two suitcases filled with contraband for Hanoi gangster
Leong (Lam Chung). Unfortunately their goods are blown up in a terrorist
bombing, and the three are nearly killed by Southern Vietnamese forces
(who are shown to be as corrupt and stupid as the Northern Vietnamese
are ruthless and sadistic). Undeterred the three head off to see and underling
of Leong, a cool Eurasian hitman/CIA operative/all around handy guy Luke
(Simon Yam, the real standout in the cast). Luke is, typically, a haunted
Woo assassin, pining after former Cantonese singer Sally (Yolinda Yan),
who is in the employ of Leong as a whore. Eventually the four team up
against Leong, Ben and Luke for Sally, and Paul for the promise of money
and power (Frank just goes along with his buddies). Of course, here comes
the first implausibility (well, after Frank downs an entire bottle of
scotch and chases it with a beer), since these previously innocent (so
to speak) kids become remorseless killers, mowing down an entire legion
of faceless goons, as Ben carries Sally off and Paul grabs a large box
full of gold (and some CIA documents that will get them into trouble later
on). They make their escape from Leong's nightclub, but Sally has been
mortally wounded in the process, and, on the run from Leong's goons and
the military, head for the river (Luke's convenient CIA contacts help
them get through a checkpoint). Woo's penchant for the obvious comes in
here, as the characters now start to have talisman-like possessions, Sally/Ben/Luke
have Sally's passport, and Paul has his box of gold, which he thinks of
above all else ("you can let me die, but let me keep my gold"). Here is
one of the problems with the movie, while Paul was always a bit shifty
and ambitious, he suddenly turns so cruel and violent and cold without
batting an eye that it seems plainly bizarre, and Woo's total lack of
the inner lives of his characters comes out, Paul from then on out is
merely a stock villain, budging his eyes out and gleefully abandoning
his buddies all for his box of gold. It is too pat, and poor Waise Lee
must attempt to act out this horribly underwritten cipher of a character
(amazingly, Woo criticized Lee's performance as being too much, exactly
how a director can criticize an actor for not being able to fully flesh
out an exceedingly poorly written character is really a case of the pot
calling the kettle black, since Lee proved himself an excellent and understated
actor in numerous films of the period, like The Big Heat). At any rate,
Sally ends up dead, and the four end up on a slowly sinking boat, and
end up being taken prisoner by the Viet Cong (with only Luke escaping).
The three buddies are subjected to some awful psychological torture by
the Viet Cong, who believe them to be connected with the CIA (since they
find the CIA documents in Paul's box of gold), Frank is forced to shoot
prisoners, and ends up losing it in the process, and Ben agrees to take
his place, and guns down some more before they end up taking on their
tormentors (Paul runs off with his gold) and Luke comes to the rescue
with a team of Special Forces. Unfortunately in the big blowout that follows
Luke ends up badly wounded, as does Frank, who ends up with Paul hiding
from the Viet Cong, but his screams are attracting attention, and the
now totally unhinged Paul shoots Frank in the head to shut him up. Everyone
survives the battle, Paul leaves with his gold, Luke has lost an arm and
is disfigured, Ben is taken in by Buddhist monks who nurse him, and Frank
ends up a brain damaged, drug addicted semi-vegetable who pulls of hits
for drug money. Ben looks up Luke, who leads him to Frank, and the inevitable
revenge driven finale.
There's a lot of
plot stuffed into two hours, that much is obvious, and much of it depends
upon Woo's penchant for oversimplification. Yam's character of Luke is
simply one of those convenient film characters that are so connected and
so wise and capable that they help the heroes in any and all situations.
When Yam comes running through the jungles to save the trio it incites
laughter for the very reason that it is simply a deux ex machina, whenever
the heroes are in trouble, Yam shows up to blast 200 bad guys. Another
irritant is the fact that Woo ignores the Vietnamese completely, almost
suggesting that somehow the whole Vietnam conflict was a Chinese issue,
the Vietnamese, and the Americans as well, simply exist to be blown away
by the heroes, Woo never for one moment stops portraying the Vietnamese
as barbaric little savages who brutalize and torture everyone they can
get their hands on. This is a fairly common Hong Kong attitude it seems,
everyone outside the safe confides of the city is an unapologetic barbarian
who lacks all refinement and civilization. This goes for Mainland Chinese,
Japanese, Vietnamese, Canadian, Russian, American, you name it. Worse,
Woo clearly equates Paul's venal behavior as being an imported trait;
he finds the American gold and begins to act like a horrible American,
who cares nothing for his buddies, only money. He's less clear on his
handling of Luke, who, after all, is a Eurasian, yet Woo glosses over
Luke's mixed heritage so much that is ceases to exist, besides his speaking
French and English in one or two scenes, again, Luke exists to propel
the plot forward. Yet, despite the annoyances of Woo's provincial attitudes,
the film charges ahead, Woo's plots, never particularly coherent (this
one has two other screenwriters besides Woo) to begin with, are not his
strong suit, and here the plot is just a broad series of archetypes, but
I can't help thinking that if Woo attempted anything more serious than
an exploration of the Vietnam conflict through the eyes of three movie
land street toughs, he would be completely lost. Woo is, in essence, a
filmmaker like Scorsese, he's a movie nerd without an enormous amount
of hands-on life experience, and they both have a conception of reality
that is so overwhelmingly supported by the movies that they are at their
weakest when they move outside the realm of cinematic cliché. Nobody in
Bullet in the Head does anything that's surprising, from Ben's
eventually killing of Paul (in a ridiculous conclusion) to Ben's long
suffering wife dutifully sticking around, waiting for his return. Every
dour sort of character from Chang Cheh is here, right down to Tony Leung,
whose excellent performance in none-the-less reminiscent of David Chaing's
portrayals of slight, handsome, serious, and deadly young men. Leung's
character is the only one that is even given an attempt to rise above
cliché, he gradual transformation from sensitive young tough to cold vengeance
seeking killer comes in stages. Frank, on the other hand, is reduced to
murderer via a head injury, and Paul becomes the embodiment of Woo's horror
of foreign evil with seemingly the flip of the switch. With the exception
of Cheung (who is an actor to whom the concept of restraint is quite alien)
the cast does an admirable job. One of the strengths of Woo's films are
the excellent actors he is able to get, from Ti Lung's sad gangster from
A Better Tomorrow to Chow Yun-Fat's doomed assassins, the leads
are quite good. Yam especially gives the impression of effortless world-weariness,
his almost undetectable signal to Leung to move out of the way before
he blasts a corrupt miscreant is almost magical, and Yam has never been
as charismatic as he is here, completely convincing even in his final
scenes, understanding the limitations of his role and accepting them.
Lee too, I think, is quite good, in a horribly written role that ranks
as one of the most poorly conceived characters in any of Woo's films.
Lee does his hardest to portray Paul as a pitiable figure, turned almost
insanely wicked by his lust for money, and the pressures of his impoverished
existence (the advice of all the "wise men" seems to be, "as soon as you
have an opening, forget everything and go for it"), but the actor can
only do so much, and Woo's complete inability to see anything in colors
other than black or white makes Lee's job impossible. As in A Better
Tomorrow, no shading whatsoever is given to Lee's betrayal minded
character, he simply wants power, so he betrays. No matter how many people
Woo's nominal hero's blast they remain above the fray, and indeed, above
morality, all the harm these men do is hardly anything at all for Woo,
who seems to feel that as long as one is attached to some sort of personal
honor code, whatever excesses one commits are acceptable. Now, this may
seem as an attack on Woo, and, in a way it is, especially since his films
have been intellectualized to death over the years. Peel back the style
and you get a perfectly empty universe, Woo's characters cause mayhem
for their "code", but in the end their code only brings them death. Jeff
from The Killer loses not only his life, but his girl, and, losing
his eyes, cannot even help her, Ben loses his friends, presumably his
wife and son, and indeed, his life, how can he return to normal after
all this. Friendship is meaningless when it gets in the way of the march
of history. So in that sense the "emptiness" of Woo is that for all the
speeches he gives, he doesn't really believe that these codes, as such,
mean much of anything in the world. I suppose that's the tragedy he attempts
to portray, like the doomed fighters from innumerable Chang Cheh films,
roped into killing friends and allies via obscure rituals and honor codes
that they cannot undo. But, I think one should ignore the ugly undercurrents
in Woo's work as much as possible. Woo is a completely kinetic filmmaker,
he doesn't work with character, like Ringo Lam or Kirk Wong (or Stanley
Kwan to name another), he hardly works at all with plot, like his frequent
producer Tsui Hark, Woo works totally with movement and image. The slow-motion,
the birds, the sparks, the gallons of spraying blood, these are designer
atrocities, meted out like Dario Argento's ghoulish fashion shows. His
characters are unforgivably cool, and exist to pose. Woo's American films
have taken this to another level, as silly as Mission: Impossible 2
was, it showcased Woo's peculiar obsession with this grandiose attitude,
characters don't need names, just titles: SPY, VILLIAN, FRIEND, LOVE INTEREST,
DOOMED ROOKIE, etc. The only difference is that the hero might get a 20
minute death scene, whereas a faceless goon flails his limbs and dies
instantly, what is so interesting about Woo is how little he really added
to the action movie genre, how blatantly he placed Chang Cheh from Ming
China to 1980s Hong Kong, how he replaced fist and sword with gun and
grenade. In Chang, the hero can always take more blows, he can be slashed
with a sword whereas a goon cannot, Woo's heroes fight endlessly and die
when the emotional payoff is the greatest. Woo wants to be serious in
a way Chang never wanted, when a movie was made in honor of Chang, and
to raise money for him, he turned down the money and gave it to a film
school. Woo, on the other hand, is a far more pretentious director than
Chang, yet lacks that kind of purity, Woo has abandoned all scruples to
join the ranks of yet another formerly interesting director turned faceless
hack. Identifying the Woo of this terrible and thrilling movie with the
Woo of stillborn works like Mission Impossible: 2, Broken
Arrow and Windtalkers is impossible. He's become another robot
movie machine. At least you can get mad at his old Hong Kong movies, and
in the same moment be exhilarated by them. Now only a yawn stifles the
indifference.
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BULLY
(2001). I guess Larry Clark is looking to corner the market on quasi-teenie
porn art-house sleaze fests, as he continues in the same direction as Kids
with this look at the lives of the severely dead-end. Our story centers
on a group of bottom-feeders in Florida who spend 99% of their time smoking
dope and fucking. The only one who seems to be heading anywhere is Bobby
Kent (Nick Stahl) who's father is driving him to actually *gasp* do something
with his life. Unfortunately Bobby is a near-psychotic bully who relentlessly
torments his "best friend" Marty Puccio (Brad Renfro, who, considering his
subsequent busts for child-actor crimes got into his role a little too much)
a typical go nowhere high school drop out loser who spends most of his time
surfing, smoking dope (of course) and screwing his equally lame girlfriend
Ali (Bijou Philips) whom he has impregnated. Bobby sidelines in making gay
porno and forcing Marty to take gay phone sex calls and generally making
life unpleasant for everyone, and eventually Ali decides that the best thing
to do is to kill Bobby. Since these degenerates don't have the collective
brainpower to order a pizza this obviously isn't going to go down very well.
Add to the mix a few other misfits, doper Donny (Michael Pitt) and his skank
girlfriend Lisa (Rachel Miner) whom Bobby had "raped", fat cousin Derek
(Daniel Franzese) who spends most of his spare time playing Mortal Kombat
and best of all "The Hitman" (Leo Fitzpatrick) another lay about who has
an active fantasy life, he thinks he's a southern mafia tough guy. These
idiots take Bobby out to the boondocks and do him in (Clark at least bothers
to show the killing, as badly planned and executed as it is, for what it
is, a brutal torturous assault). Not surprisingly it takes about a tenth
of a second for these nitwits to be taken down and turn on one another,
and the fact that half of them will be quite old indeed when they get out
is cause for celebration.
We're in "based on a true story" territory here, and this one comes from
the somewhat self-righteous book Bully: A True Story of High School Revenge
by Jim Schutze (also a producer). I doubt anybody could come up with a cast
of characters like this if they weren't real. Clark, to his credit, for
the most part resists the easy points: suburbia is bad because there are
no families, parents are clueless, etc, mostly allowing this motley crew
of zombified teenagers act out their feeble plan with almost Aeschylus-like
nihilism, since these kids are all so stupid that no one once suggests that
perhaps Marty should just stay away from Bobby if Bobby makes his life so
miserable, since Bobby himself is just a run-of-the-mill sadist/control
freak and would undoubtedly find someone else to lord himself over. In fact
these kids have such a narrow world-view that no one even thinks of just
leaving their jerk-water burg and starting life afresh somewhere else. They
live and die in their pointless little suburban paradise and are so addled
by dope and hopelessness that even rebellion is a misnomer, since their
parents seemingly make no effort to stand in the way of their destructive
lives, being either overly solicitous or indifferent (one parent at least
wonders aloud about the parents of her daughter's friends, but almost instantly
is off to play cards and ignore everything). It may or may not be intentional,
but Bobby nearly comes off as sympathetic, at least to me, as he apparently
senses his superiority to the others, but as having no competition and no
outlet for his talents or ability lashes out in bizarre, pointlessly sadistic
ways. He's a fairly interesting individual, far more so than Marty, who
is pitiable at first, but soon seems more like a lobotomized robot, blindly
following along with the mob as they push him into committing a senseless
murder, he's no patsy though, he's simply too stupid and too much of a failure
to pull away, he simply isn't that interested. Unlike Camus' The Stranger,
these kids aren't merely indifferent to their actions, they literally lack
the foresight or even rudimentary intelligence to care, its not conscious
as much as it is a sort of vegetative quality. At the very least Clark doesn't
bother to justify or even make the viewer feel sorry for anyone here (though
curiously, in real life Bobby was of Arab descent, something changed in
the film, as well as Ali being rather fat and unattractive) and the saddest
part is that anyone who went to a suburban high school will recognize roughly
2/3s of the people they knew as the sorts who lived and continue to live
just like this.
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THE BURNING
MOON (1992). Gory gory gory SoV horror anthology that's not half bad. Director
Olaf Ittenbach plays a junkie who gets high and tells his sister a pair
of gruesome bedtime stories. The first one has a young woman finding out
her date is an escaped lunatic, she runs home, he follows and slaughters
her entire family. Features lots of gory limb hackings and blood spraying,
as well as the psycho showing us a new way to ditch annoying tailgating
drivers: open your moonroof and toss a severed head at them! The second
features a Satan worshipping priest (?) who kills people in the ill-defined
interests of purity. An especially stupid farmer is blamed for the killings
and is killed. He rises from the grave and shows his killer a vision of
hell. Features some really disgusting stuff, not the least of which is a
guy being ripped in half at the crotch. Has all the typical SoV elements:
pedestrian acting, home-movie lighting, and poor camerawork, but its better
than any J.R. Brookwalter movie and those stupid Violent Shit movies.
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BURNING
PARADISE (1993). Legions away from Ringo Lam’s earlier, gritty crime dramas
(City on Fire, Full Contact), this is a big budget, Tsui Hark
produced martial arts extravaganza. A teenage Fong Sai-Yuk (Willie Kwai)
is taken prisoner by the sinister Red Lotus sect, who have taken the monks
of Shaolin temple hostage in their enormous underground fortress. The head
monster in charge (Wong Kam-Kong) paints frightening pictures on the walls,
tears off women’s heads, and seems to be invincible, add to the fact that
the fortress is a terrifying place lined with every manner of pitfall and
trap, and its obvious that Fong has his work cut out for him, as he attempts
to not only escape, but free the captive Shaolin monks. Lam here delivers
an almost non-stop assault on the senses, as intricate stuntwork (a minimum
of wire effects too, yay!) and fighting mixes with an undeniable atmosphere
of dread and graphic bloodletting. Apparently produced to introduce Kwai
(who went on to do very little) as a counterbalance to Jet Li, this very
expensive movie was a gigantic flop, which is unfortunate, as it is one
of the best films of the period.
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