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BAD TASTE (1986).
Before going arty, then Hollywood, Peter Jackson was a pretty descent guy, turning out films like this one, a stupid and crazy mess with some kind of plot about aliens coming to Earth in order to turn humans into intergalactic fast food. The only ones who stand in their way are a group of dubious government agents. Everything and the toilet is tossed at the viewer (hopefully not too serious or sensitive): Jackson himself plays the dork hero who runs around trying to keep his brains from coming out of a crack in his skull. The pathetically low budget allows for imaginative effects but zero filmmaking finesse, but is a lot better than most jokey horror films of the time.

BAY OF BLOOD [Ecologia del Delitto] (aka TWITCH OF THE DEATH NERVE, 1971). Mario Bava is (hopefully) fondly remembered for his atmospheric masterpieces like Kill Baby Kill and Black Sunday, but this item which seems to be famous but pretty unseen, is as close as he'd ever come to the Lucio Fulci school of filmmaking: incoherent plot and lots of extended gore scenes. Of course, Bava was Bava, and a movie like this tends to show up the ineptness of Fulci-ish directors (see New York Ripper). The violence is pretty rough for the time and seems to be an accurate prediction of things to come (the school/church led by Argento) yet it wears its absurdity on its sleeve and serves as a prophetic spoof of those later films too. A series of brutal killings take place at a pristine chunk of real-estate, a bay (duh) that several people want to develop, others, for various reasons, do not. People are killed off right and left, teens, old ladies, married couples, Bava is equal opportunity here. All of it is too much though, and the ridiculous ending shows Bava throwing up his hands and letting everyone know that he knows what's going on is silly and preposterous.
BEACH RED (1967).
Hey man, is that a psychedelic war movie man? turn it up dude! Cornel Wilde will always have a place in my heart for the awesome The Naked Prey but this one is too much, it's a silly groovy WWII flick, something that we didn't need. For some reason, Wilde plays it straight, even portraying a clichéd commander that's been done a few times too much, suggesting that despite the acid trip theatrics (blurry freeze frame flashbacks) and anti-war sentiment he was still trapped in 1945. Burr DeBenning plays a hick soldier (yes, there's also a greaseball and a Jew in there somewhere, I think) and he'd later star in the classic story of Michael Jackson, The Incredible Melting Man!

THE BEASTS (1980). Long before Category 3 Dennis Yu pumped out this crude little film that includes a great deal of nudity and some graphic sexual content that would be too much even for a modern audience. Obviously based on movies like Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes, it has the usual Hong Kong prejudices against Mainlanders and provincials. A group of city kids head out to the farthest reaches of the New Territories, to a small village that "has a waterfall" (such fun). Instantly they are not welcome, as the local head denies them the use of the telephone, and even worse, they become the targets for a group of local yokels called, in what can only be a terrible mis-translations, disco boys. Now, I know what you're thinking, they are an organized gang, the sort that might have graced a Charles Bronson film circa 1985, but no, they aren't really a "gang" as such, since apparently, if I understood the subtitles correctly, "disco boys" is a generic term, as at one point the village head denies that his town has any "disco boys". I'm going to guess that "disco boy" is a derisive term who's subtleties were lost to whomever made the incomprehensible English subs. Anyway, our teens set up camp, and one of them is alone while two others go off to make out in the tall grass (very romantic) and is set upon by the disco boys, who strip her and gang rape her. This scene actually is fairly shocking, its not so much brutal or anything, but we are given a gynecology lesson normally only found in porno as the girl gets fingered a few times, and there is even a close-up of an erect disco boy penis (which I really didn't need to see). And who's that not taking part in the rape? Yes, its "Fatty" Kent Cheng Jak-Si, who appeared in numerous Yu movies in the early 80s. The teens find the girl missing and run off to find her nude and unconscious, her brother runs off after the disco boys, and is thrown into a "boar trap" lined with sharpened bamboo, and dies screaming while the disco boys laugh at him. The boyz are a motley bunch, besides Fatty Kent there's a guy with an afro who gets farted on in a bar, there's a guy with a beard who manages to actually get laid, there's the nominal leader (Wong Ching? I can't tell) who has bad teeth, and, most amazingly, a guy called Snake, who plays around with live snakes, is as pale as a ghost, has horrific teeth, and actually growls and screams like an animal. He is one of the single creepiest people ever to appear in a movie, every inch the primitive provincial he plays in the movie (where the hell did Yu find this guy?). The girl descends into madness after her rape, the town denies they have disco boys (as previously explained), and the only one who will testify to their existence, ends up buried alive for his troubles. After the father of the raped girl and dead boy (Chan Sing, an old-school chop socky actor, in nearly every Chen Cheh movie) finds that nothing will be done to further justice in this case, he heads out to the boonies to take revenge, and methodically kills off the disco boys in particularly brutal fashion. One is hacked to death with a machete (after being caught in a bear trap), one is dropped, Viet-Cong style, into a box lined with nails, Snake is gutted, and two others are drowned. The moral is provided by Fatty Kent, who says, "you all are wicked" and decides to swim to Holland (I guess). I can't say this movie is particularly good, it lacks the atmosphere that the film's its copying have, and is, in fact, rather indifferently made, suffering not only from a low budget, but a pointless score (including hits from The Police and Peter Gabriel!), a strange mixture of performances, and misplaced humor, but maybe in a way its very crudeness and obscurity (it has to be one of the least-known Hong Kong horror films) make it something of a curiosity item. The tape from Video Search of Miami is in really awful shape, and seems to have been cut by somebody (I don't mean the actual film, I mean the video tape!) since the movie only runs about 70 minutes.
BEAKS: THE MOVIE (aka BEAKS/BIRDS OF PREY, 1987).
Rene Cardona, Jr. was no Rene Cardona, and that much can be seen by this idiocy done while Junior was shit-faced. I suppose its supposed to be a rip-off (or, as Brian DePalma would say, a "homage") to Hitchcock's The Birds, but is too incompetent to even be called a descent rip-off, it isn't very funny, but is stupid and boring (yay!!!). Christopher Atkins (from The Blue Lagoon where he wishes he'd stayed) and Michelle Johnson are a new sort of Tracy and Hepburn, playing cameraman and reporter who investigate why birds are attacking people in slow motion. Plenty of eye gouging along with lovely photography (the end credits) and acting and dubbing that are best described as "poor". At one point Atkins talks to his dick, so maybe Bill Clinton fans will like this. Made in Puerto Rico, that country's sole contribution to world culture until J-Lo.

BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY [Kyokon Densetsu: Utsukushii Naza] (1983). Japanese sex filmmakers must be pretty flexible, as director Genji Nakamura had made literally dozens of cheap sex films for warhorse Nikkatsu studio since the early 70s, most of which were hetro or lesbian, but he somehow ended up making this, the first "major" (whatever that means) gay film for ENK studio, Nikkatsu's gay film branch. This one is like the usual Nikkatsu product, only cheaper and even sillier. This is a goofy spoof on the right wing and Yukio Mishima. Ren Osugi (later a hard-boiled character actor familiar from Takeshi Kitano's films) runs a nationalistic organization that student Tatsuya Nagatomo eagerly joins. The group is, of course, a haven for macho gays, so there's a lot of rolling around and tenderness (hilarious!) culminating in a big "orgy" with some less than-enthusiastic acting (huh? no real gay people in Japan?). Like Mishima, Osugi's character is obsessed with seppuku, and the most interesting scenes deal with his theatrical preparations for his suicide ("is it beautiful?"). It's mostly serious (despite lots of unintentional humor) until the end, when lovers Nagatomo and Kei Kubito oversleep the big seppuku ritual and become transvestite hosts at a gay bar! The cartoonish ending comes out of left field, and its not surprising that right-wing groups protested. Rokuro Mochizuki wrote the screenplay, as well as the scripts for other gay films before becoming a director with films like Onibi, that also had a gay sub-plot.
BEAUTY INVESTIGATOR (1992).
Another mediocre girls-with-guns flick with Moon Lee as a cop sent undercover to find an "abnormal" sex killer, in the course of the investigation she and her partner find out about some sneaky dealing by a ruthless Triad boss and the Yakuza. Oshima plays a hit woman who's actually an undercover cop (how many times will this plot be used?). Some good action scenes, especially the finale, but most of the stuff in between is pretty lame, though you do get to see wholesome and cute Lee smoke and say "fuck you" so if that gets your rocks off this is your film.

A BETTER TOMORROW 2 (1987). After John Woo made a phenomenal splash with the original A BETTER TOMORROW (1986) he made this quickie sequel, apparently as a favor to formerly popular comedian Dean Shek who was in financial straits at the time. Basically it's the worst film imaginable from Woo, uninspired and insipid, with hilarious scenes and terrible acting, even from the venerable Chow Yun-Fat. The plot is the old ex-crook being set up and forced back into a life of crime, as Shek plays a former underworld boss who is driven insane by the machinations of his seedy right hand man. Ti Lung returns as good-guy ex-con Ho, who's roped into getting the dirt on Shek, Lesile Cheung is Lung's determined cop little brother, and, amusingly, Chow Yun-Fat returns as the "twin brother" of the character the played in the first film. Most of the film is spent in long uncomfortable scenes of Shek crawling around and babbling like a baby, and amazingly awful English-speaking "actors" ("This fried rice fucking stinks!!"). The only reason to watch is the final action blowout, which features typical scenes of wave after wave of brainless triad kamikazes running into the hero's bullets. Even worse than Broken Arrow!!
BEWARE CHILDREN AT PLAY (1989).
This one is great: a stupid, gory and senseless film that's a laugh riot. A pulp writer (Michael Robertson), his annoying wife and "cute" daughter travel to the backwoods of New Jersey to a small town and find the children are disappearing. Its all got something to do with Beowulf. The children are a pack of cannibals controlled by a teenage savage. The writing, acting, editing, music, and effects are abominable, but this is as unintentionally funny a movie that I've seen in a while. The characters are all incredibly stupid and obnoxious (the doughnut headed writer, even after learning of the cannibal tots, stays at an isolated farmhouse, alone, at night, and sleeps in a hammock!). The ending is amazing though, as the "Bible thumping moron" townsfolk get together and slaughter all the little kids: kids are shot with gushing wounds, beaten with bottles and pipes, stabbed with knives, hacked with machetes, axed, heads are blown off, brains are splattered, and one is shot with an arrow (with the guiding strings visible)!! Hilarious for all the wrong reasons, a perfect movie for 42nd Street that's ten years too late.

THE BEYOND [E Tu Vivrai nel Terrore! L'Alidila] (1981).
Lucio Fulci's "masterpiece" is extremely silly, replacing the morbid atmosphere of The Gates of Hell with usually risible attempts at dreamy surrealism, but its all a lot of grotesque fun. Katherine MacColl (the poor woman's Ali MacGraw?) inherits a hotel that turns out to be one of the "seven doors to hell" and after many gory deaths the door threatens to open up. David Warbeck plays a squinting, skeptical doctor as a cross between Clint Eastwood, Roger Moore, and Harrison Ford, but when the zombies show up he just can't figure the whole "shoot 'em in the head!" thing. Like most Italo-horror almost nothing makes sense, as people die violently and hardly get any reaction out of the characters, but Fulci and make-up/effects man Gianetto di Rossi deliver gore by the bucket, eyes are gouged, throats are torn, and in a laughable scene a guy is "eaten" by "spiders", some real, some embarrassing fakes. There are lots of close-ups of blind eyes. In 1998 this was re-released to theaters for midnight showings and seeing this wide-screen in a theater was very impressive. It included theatrical previews for Detroit 9000, Blood Feast (genius!), I Dismember Mama, Massacre Mafia Style, Make Them Die Slowly, etc.

THE BIG HEAT (1988).
Not to be confused with Fritz Lang's 1953 film, this Tsui Hark production is an obvious cash-in on A Better Tomorrow, but is better than most imitators. Waise Lee (usually the overacting villain) plays a morose cop who's about to retire when he finds out his ex-partner has been murdered, so he teams up with his new partner (Kwok Tsui/Philip Kwok, one of the action directors), a goofy new recruit (Matthew Wong) and a Malaysian cop (Lo King-Wah) to solve the case. They get caught up in a blackmail plot, and a drug running scheme run by a sadistic gangster (Chu Kong, before his big part in Woo's The Killer). Directors Andrew Kam and Johnny To go all out, less for Woo-style action than for Japanese style violence, and we've got a decapitation, a drill through a hand, a man run over by ten cars, and even a poor guy torn in half by an elevator. There's also a superb shoot-out in a hospital, and a stirring theme by Lowell Lo.

THE BLACK CAT (1981).
One of Lucio Fulci's most disappointing films, as he has a great cast and a silly story but still manages to botch it. Patrick Magee (one of his last films) tires to communicate with the dead and uses black cats to carry out various bad deeds, or do the cats control him? One bloodless murder after another, and slow to boot, Fulci wasn't very interested in doing this film and it shows. Unless you see a letterboxed version you'll spend 92 minutes looking at Magee's bushy eyebrows.

THE BLACK CAT (1934).
Even today this Edgar G. Ulmer movie stands out as one of the finest horror films ever made. It's bizarre, kinky, and ghoulish, and has two great stars: Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff. Lugosi plays a crazy psychiatrist (did he diagnose himself? ba-dum-ching) who's spent fifteen years in prison and is seeking vengeance against Karloff, a Satan worshipping freak who lives in a huge "modern" castle and has an odd wardrobe. This obviously has nothing to do with Poe's story, but is a masterpiece, moody and stylish. Ulmer's direction was never better than this, achieving several haunting moments, as well as Grand Guingol ones, like Karloff's grisly demise, and plenty of S&M underpinnings. Slightly marred by David Manners, the dumbest hero in screen history.

BLACK LIZARD [Kurotokage] (1968).
This is a one-of-a-kind movie. It was adapted from a stage play by Yukio Mishima (who has a brief cameo, showing off his muscles-two years later he committed seppuku) and starred the famous transvestite Akihiro Maruyama. It was taken from a story by Edogawa Rampo, Japan's master of old-school Poe knock-offs and revolves around a super glamorous supercrimial (Maruyama, of course) who conspires to kidnap the daughter and steal a valuable diamond from a rich industrialist. She plans to turn the daughter into a flesh and blood doll (Mishima plays one) but unfortunately she meets her match in Japan's #1 detective, Akechi (Isao Kimura) who takes the time to fall in love with "her". Mishima's play was serious, a dirge on the beauty of death, but no one could take Kinji Fukasaku's film seriously. He takes every gaudy excess of the late 60s and pushes it pretty far out, with wild cutting, zooms, and absurd production design. But the gaudiest excess of all is Maruyama, an ugly "woman" but a fascinating screen presence, taking every feminine gesticulation and pumping it up slightly, making a hypnotic, flamboyant performance that can't be beat (not by Wesely Snipes, anyway).

BLACK MAMBA (1974).
To be honest I was surprised by this movie, I was expecting another cheesy John Ashley Filipino movie, but instead I find, yes, a slightly cheesy movie, but also a fascinating and atmospheric movie with some chilling moments. The plot itself is filled with stock characters and situations: the opening features a deformed hunchback robbing a grave, he later sees an image of Death and drops dead of fright. Enter mellow doctor John Ashley (and his incredible wardrobe) who investigates, but doesn't find anything unusual. Later a shopkeeper falls ill, as does a friend of Ashley's (Pilar Pilapil), who's husband has recently died, and who now lives in the home of a wealthy businessman (Ashley film vet Eddie Garcia). It turns out that a sorceress is responsible, and after the woman saw the sorceress in church wearing a ring that was on the finger of her dead husband all of the mysterious events and deaths begin to take place. Ashley, of course, is skeptical, but eventually comes around and has to take on the sorceress. Now, granted, this movie is cheap as hell, and frequently confusing and or incompetent, but for such a cheap and seemingly bottom-of-the-barrel obscurity, it has a great deal of mood and atmosphere that is missing from many other similar films, as well as a lot of local color that is always welcome in any movie. More interesting to me is that the reason for the sorceress' curses is never explained, suggesting that the superstitious ways of these people have no use other than evil. For fans of bizarre self-indulgent dream sequences, check out the one in here, where the sorceress goes to hell and dances around before doing it with the Devil while Pilapil is raped by a snake! This is one of the most obscure films I've ever seen, and it might not even be worth hunting down for the inclined, but if you do ever come across it I don't think you'd hurt yourself by seeing it.

THE BLADE (1995). I guess you could call this the anti-kung fu movie movie. Its far removed from the Yuen Woo-Ping school of marital arts cinema that had come to dominate in Hong Kong for years. You've seen it, wire work, wire work, and a little bit more wire work aided of course by lightning quick editing. I've never been a fan of this approach, though I respect Yuen's films, to me the joy of kung-fu movies is the ungainly physical grace of the actors, while David Chiang doesn't move as balletically as Jet Li, there is a hard-boiled reality to his movements. Fighting isn't about flying around like some kind of superhero, its about getting your body right there in the muck and the mud and the blood. Watching David Chiang take on an army of swordsmen and the end of The New One Armed Swordsman is, to me, far more visceral and enjoyable than Jet Li flying around like a kite. Of course, Tsui Hark, with his Once Upon a Time in China movie effectively popularized this style of cinematic combat, and perhaps this movie is a reaction to it, since it owes much more to Chang Cheh than to the Tsui Hark of old. In fact, this movie is a loose remake of Chang's classic The One-Armed Swordsman that kicked off the martial arts genre in the 70s. On (Tsui Man-Cheuk who starred in a couple of the Once Upon a Time in China movies in Jet Li's absence) plays a young swords smith in a primitive, distant China of the past, a barren desert filled with brutal warriors and warlords. He and another smith, Iron Head (Moses Chan) are the objects of affection of the plain daughter Ling (Song Li, for whom Tsui re-wrote most of the film) of the head of the school. Changes start to come to this little world, closed off from the constant martial strife around them (the boss at one point says, "I don't care what people do with the swords they buy from us") when On and Iron Head witness a kung-fu fighting Buddhist monk take on several men from a brutal gang of hunters who are attempting to assault a young woman. He beats them, but later on is ambushed and killed. Iron Head is outraged and wants revenge, but On holds him back. Eventually the boss decides to retire and gives control of the factory to On, which causes resentment in the ranks, and a mass defection of men, who wish to join in the nihilistic lifestyle of the land. On demands to know his true lineage, as he is the boss' adopted son. He learns that he is the son of a famous swordsman who was killed by an absolutely ferocious tattooed bandit (the supremely intimidating Xiong Xin-Xin), and was saved by the boss of the factory, and in fact, the talisman like broken sword that protects the school from outside trouble was wielded by On's father. On takes the sword and casts himself out amidst the various warring factions of the Martial World. The boss' daughter leaves to find him and stumbles into the lair of the aforementioned hunters (who use a rather unpleasant instrument, bear traps, to catch people and animals) who are about to do something really sub-human to Song when On comes to the rescue, but ends up with his arm hacked off and left for dead for his troubles. After finding himself in the care of a wild female farmer called Blackhead, and abused even more by another gang of cut-throats, On takes up his father's sword and trains for revenge. Meanwhile Ling and Iron Head go looking for On, whom Ling is convinced is alive. They meet up with a prostitue that both Iron Head and On had become entranced with, and she teaches the fantasy bound Ling some important lessons about just how despicable men are (while being raped and generally abused). On meanwhile (this plot is too thick!) slaughters an entire gang of bandits, which brings the wrath of the opium smoking gang head (who's face is so damn familiar, but I can't remember his bloody name!) who hires, you guessed it, the savage tattooed killer who had slaughtered On's father (not to mention skinned him). This leads to a raid of the sword-making factory and a final confrontation between On and the killer that is as exciting as it is brutal. The first thing that struck me about this movie was how much it instantly reminded me of Chang Cheh, while Chang's film's were never this slickly made, the sheer senseless, violent bleakness of it all is startling. But, unlike in Chang, nobody here seems to be much of a master of anything. The swordfights are the least balletic possible, rather than gracefully locking swords, the fighters here twirl, jump, dodge, kick, scratch and strangle each other, the sword is just an extension of the arm, and as such is wielded almost blindly. This isn't Wang Yu avenging anybody, these are primitive people, guided by the most basic of emotions, above all survival. When towns are raided, there is no martial hero to stop the bandits from raping and pillaging, in fact, there really aren't any heroes at all, the only one who comes close, the powerful Buddhist monk, are instantly killed for their troubles, this world is so bad there really isn't any time for heroics, which prove fruitless and false in the end. The only heroic actions come solely from self-preservation. Its frequently been pointed out that Tsui took the basic idea that Chang Cheh's films revolve around (as well as all martial arts movies), that of jiang hu, "the martial world", and made it a literal place, like the wasteland of Mad Max, but that, once entered, cannot be left. Warriors fight it out, but even martial standbys like honor and fidelity are cast out in the fight for survival. But, it is the fact that the story is told from the point of view of a woman, Ling, that is Tsui's master-stroke. It is this that gives the movie the underlying, questioning quality. Why, for instance, does every action have to be avenged? Ling wonders why On is so quick to avenge a father he never knew, especially since On's father made On's adopted father swear not to tell On his true history to keep him from seeking vengeance. Ling wonders why, in the end (which is especially melancholy), all the men around her must leave to be alone, wandering the wasteland looking for trouble. Tsui's movie really takes place from the perspective of the passersby in martial arts movies, who watch the heroes and villains go at it, why do these men need to fight and kill and destroy everything around them. In a way Tsui seems to be suggesting that in the Martial World all values are equally destructive. That said, things do have the familiar Tsui touch, too fast, too loud, perfunctory story telling, shrill, loud performances (Song especially is grating with her constant screaming and whining), confusing and sudden exposition that is never elaborated upon and so on. Tsui is a major film maker, and a highly talented one, but he has never learned to just let go of his distrust of his script and let the story tell itself, rather than having twenty cuts a second and upside down camerawork.
BLADE OF FURY (1993). Highly regarded by some people, I found this to be rather dull and listless, though it was an attempt to capture the flavor of earlier martial arts movies, it falls far short of more recent offerings and their forebears. The complicated (as usual) plot has Yueng Fan forming a patriotic organization of martial artists that is quickly decimated from an attack by, no, not the Manchu, the Japanese. Years later he joins forces with Ti Lung, a reform minded offical, but a small army of traitorous friends and villainous kings make things difficult. The fight scenes are generally well done, but rely too much on obvious undercranking and blurry slow motion (that was trendy at the time), which is far from the usual clean and logical style of director/co-star Sammo Hung. There is some bloody violence, Cynthia Khan not playing a cop, overacting Sammo as a villain, there’s also a guy without eyebrows (who’s creepy looking!) and a short girl playing a Japanese swordsman (I still haven’t figured that one out).
BLOOD FEAST (1963).
H.G. Lewis isn't as smart as he thinks he is or else he wouldn't have made a film this dumb. Who else would make a caterer the villain? The rather extraordinary Mal Arnold plays an "exotic caterer" with a limp who butchers nubile young women for the ancient goddess Ishtar. So, he chops off legs, cuts out a tongue, de-brains one, all in bloody detail. All the while a very thick cop (the less extraordinary Thomas Wood) investigates and can't connect the most obvious clues, but somehow jumps over a large logical chasm to solve the case. The acting and dialogue are all cruddy, but the effects are pretty neat, with the reddest stage blood in film history.

BLOODSUCKING FREAKS (1975). A lot of people have seen this movie, and a lot of people don't like it. I read a review of it in some Leonard Maltin wannabe book and it said so many nasty things about it that I had to see it. Nobody rented it so I had to scrounge together $20 to buy it from my local Tower Records. I watched it a couple of weeks before Christmas and loved it. It's a stupid movie, granted, and is like porno without the porno, but its too charming not to like. Exactly who everybody in this movie is is a bit of a mystery. As far as I can tell only Niles McMaster (Alice Sweet Alice) and Viju Krem (some obscure sex movie Something Weird Video sells) and the big fat guy who played the pedophile landlord in Alice Sweet Alice were in anything else recognizable, and for that matter they all disappeared within a year or two of the film coming out. At any rate the plot is classic: Krem (I guess) plays Sardu, and runs a "torture" show out of a Soho theater, everyone laughs and thinks that its fake, but of course its all real, and Sardu is up to much worse things backstage. Then again, everyone laughs because the effects are so shitty, but that's another matter. Sardu and his midget servant Ralphus (Louis De Jesus) run a white slavery ring and keep a stable of on hand women to torture, as well as a cage full of, well, "Caged Sexoids" who eat raw meat. One night "world renown" ballerina Natasha De Natelli (Helen Thompson) and her quarterback boyfriend Dan Maverick (!)-McMaster come to Sardu's show, and after Sardu is mocked by know-nothing (since we all know Sardu is a genius) theatre critic Creasy Siloh (Seamus O'Brien, who the hell is that?) he decides to kidnap De Natelli and put her in an "artful" sadistic stage production. So he kidnaps De Natelli and Siloh, bending De Natelli to his will by cutting off the feet of one of her friends and other gruesome things. Eventually De Natelli becomes Sardu's slave, so Dan Maverick springs into action, enlisting the help of a corrupt cop (Dan Fauci) to get De Natelli back, but will he succeed? Things go badly for everyone, except Sardu, who wins no matter what.
Since director Joel M. Reed never did another interesting film its hard to see where his inspiration came from, some have suggested the film is a rip off of The Wizard of Gore but that seems far-fetched. The plot is just a silly and campy (if extreme) mixture of everything Reed could come up with. Despite the low budget, there are some pretty silly and theatrical performances here, especially Krem, who steals the whole show. Where did he come from and where did he go? Personally I like jock Maverick, who's pretty sensitive when you come right down to it, saying: "Well, who am I to say what's art and what isn't?" Of course, everyone remembers the last shot and the famous brain sucking scene, where a demented doctor shocks even Sardu by pulling our a woman's teeth (you don't need to know what happens next) shaving her head, drilling a hole, and sucking out her brains. I doubt "extreme" John Waters would have the guts to pull off something like that (he's too busy writing columns in Better Homes and Gardens). For that matter Reed manages to put in more women abuse than a Jamie Gillis movie, but how could anyone complain? No one but an ass or a feminist would take this seriously. Alright, the movie is a little over the top, but no one protests the boobs in Titanic or the slithering guts in Saving Private Ryan. Reed at the very least managed to put together a movie that's funny and interesting, it's stupid and doesn't care, and anyone who can't appreciate that should stick to Friday the 13th or The Little Mermaid or whatever the hell you're watching that makes you so bothered by this.

BLOODTHIRST (1996).
This is an unbelievably cheap and shoddy SoV made in my hometown, San Diego. It goes out of its way to be bad with pretty hilarious gore scenes and a lot of wooden acting. Surfer Paul Rigopoulos dies and is turned into a vampire, these vamps run around killing people with the assistance of a crazed doctor (Scott Hoover). There's a guy who gets hammered in a beach side public bathroom (those things are scarier than anything in any movie reviewed here) complete with blood obviously being sprayed from off camera, some skaters get their brains torn out and arms chopped off. There's a vampire hunter with a half-assed German accent who has a heart attack and pees his pants, there's a swinger who gets AIDS, and there's lots of cursing and everyone smokes. The only place I've ever even seen this (if you're interested) was at a video store in San Diego that had some of the "props" hanging up (insert your own "props" pun here).

BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS (1970).
All of Andy Milligan's movies are pretty terrible, and this one is no exception, but what do you expect? John Miranda plays Sweeny Todd, the Fleet Street barber with a sadistic streak who kills people for money. He teams with a baker (Anabella Wood) who puts various body parts into her pies, and they're aided by a laborer (Milligan mainstay Berwick Kaler) who does a lot of the dirty work. There's a lot of typical Milligan anti-social stuff as people are spat on, beaten and raped. The "effects" consist of various dummy limbs being lopped off. The sound is awful and half the dialogue in inaudible, but the dubbed in sound of someone imitating a dog barking (?) can be clearly heard. It's 16mm blown up to 35mm, and oftentimes you wonder why the hell you're watching this.

BLUE JEAN MONSTER (1990). This is one of those movies that sets you to scratching your head from the start and keeps you scratching until the end. Its one of those great Hong Kong amalgamations of every sort of genre, from low-brow sex farce to semi-touching family drama. Hong Kong's resident Triad bad guy, Shing Fui-On (Johnny Weng from The Killer) gets to play a good guy for once (and I think the only time) as a cop with a pregnant wife (who let's a typically obnoxious crippled street urchin live with him) who gets a bad omen at a Buddhist temple, but, paying it no mind, sets off to stop a gang from robbing a bank. He finds them (in typical HK fashion, killing about 20 people before speeding off) in the course of the robbery and takes off after them. The robbers have taken a hostage, a cute girl named Gucci, and they end up at a construction site (typically, since that's where 9 out of every 10 Hong Kong car chases end up). Shing ties up the robbers, but one escapes his notice and drops a ton of steel debris on him, and the gang finishes the job by pumping 1000 bullets into his carcass. Not quite dead, a cat crawls across him, sending some sort of ancient Chinese secret coursing through his body, now, I'm not too sure what this has to do with anything, but in the next moment power lines fall on Shing, bringing him back to life. He revives just in time to save Gucci, who's about to be killed by a baddie on a dirt bike (like kung-fu masters who search for revenge seeking half-dead students, criminals in Hong Kong walk around specifically looking for women who've just escaped from a stressful situation to harass them more), but is stabbed with a sharpened pipe. Shing goes home and notices that he's impervious to pain (cuts himself with a glass and stitches it closed) and that he has an enormous wound in his abdomen that he covers with a maxi pad!!! Later that night Shing eats noodles with his wife, and, predictably, the noodles start to come out of Shing's enormous festering wound, which are promptly eaten by his crippled underling (called, inexplicably, Power Steering). Finding the maxi pad to be ineffective against the giant festering wound, Shing uses cookie mix (just go with me here) that, of course, later hardens into a cookie that is eaten by Power Steering. Shing adjusts to his new status as a dead guy who must be periodically revived by jolts of electricity fairly well, deciding that he must 1) see his baby born, and 2) avenge his own death against the gang of robbers. This is the sort of movie that just tosses the craziest shit at you non-stop: a sub-plot revolves around Shing's wife thinking he's gone gay (one of those, "yeah he was on top of me humping away, but its not what it looked like") and so her friend suggests she hire her prostitute friend, Death Rays to switch him back. Death Rays is played by Amy Yip, of the big o'boobs, who shows up to seduce Shing, but, for some reason, cigarette smoke causes him to go bonkers, so he grabs Yip's tits, and squeezes her monster chest down to nothing, complete with milk squirting out!! Yip can only exclaim, "you've ruined my endowment!" you can say that again. By the end, there's a showdown between Shing and the robbers, complete with Shing's wife having to give birth (to a baby that looks like its about 6 months old) before a bomb goes off so she can fit through a window. The final head scratch: why is this called Blue Jean Monster?
THE BODY BENEATH (1970).
Wow, a bad Andy Milligan film, who would've guessed? This one is maybe the worst I've yet seen, and that says something. Gavin Reed plays arrogant priest Algernon Ford, who is a vampire. He kidnaps Jackie Skarvellis, a relative, in order to continue his vampiric bloodline. Lacking any violence or sex or anything interesting for that matter this was the longest 74 minutes of my entire life. Berwick Kaler plays a hunchback, if you care about these things, and there's some American bashing.

THE BODYGUARD (1976). Sorry, you won’t hear Sonny Chiba do his rendition of I Will Always Love You, but you will see where Quentin Tarantino got that Bible verse that Samuel Jackson spouts in Pulp Fiction. Sonny Chiba plays…Sonny Chiba, this time employed as a bodyguard to a woman in order to take down some drug dealers. Well, I think that’s what was supposed to be going on, since most of the film takes place in almost complete darkness, its always a good sign when the director isn’t even credited. Chiba tears off a guys arm, and kicks off another’s head, and there is footage of Aaron Banks and Bill Louie talking about Chiba and Bruce Lee at the beginning for no reason other than to pad out the running time.
THE BODYGUARD FROM BEIJING (1994). Despite its pro-Mainland stance, this Corey Yuen Kwai/Jet Li vehical is not too bad. Li plays a Mainland Chinese bodyguard/robot (kidding, though Li’s usual wooden performance makes it seem plausible) who is sent to Hong Kong to protect a young woman who is to testify against a drug kingpin. This is more or less the same as the other Yuen/Li films, My Father is a Hero, Fist of Legend, and Fong Sai-Yuk, little plot, lots of wire stunts and frenzied action, and a little bit of harmless goofball humor (though not in the Wong Jing vein I’m afraid). The finale rips off Full Contact, but is pretty well executed, and the whole thing is agonizingly predictable, but certainly not bad.
BRAINDEAD (1992).
I can't believe someone actually tried to cut this film to get an "R" rating at Blockbuster's command. I've never seen that version, but I can imagine what it must be like. Why would Blockbuster even rent a film like this in the first place if it only wants to cut it to the point that the people who actually want to see the movie would just go somewhere else? Ah, corporate America. Anyway, Peter Jackson steps it up a notch (before jumping down ten with Heavenly Creatures and The Frighteners with Michael J. Fox) and takes things about as far out as they can go. The movie is too much by the end, but is pretty crazy none-the-less. In 1950s New Zealand hapless Timothy Balme loves the lovely Pequita (Diane Penalver) but his awful mother (Elizabeth Moody) doesn't approve, and while spying on them at the zoo is bitten by a rare rat/monkey that turns people into undead ghouls (reasonable defense against natural predators I guess). Pretty soon mother is dead and Balme has to deal with an unending army of zombies. Basically a non-stop gore film that gets more bizarre as time goes on making Sam Raimi look like Merchant/Ivory. It'd take several paragraphs to describe everything, but the showstopper features Balme and a lawnmower. The acting is pretty good and broad for a change, and the movie itself is pretty funny, as long as you don't think it's a documentary.

BRAM STOKER'S COUNT DRACULA [El Conde Dracula] (1969).
I've always wondered about Jess Franco fans. No matter how many glowing articles this clown gets in pretentious British film journals his films are the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel, and I've never seen anything from him that even rose to the level of uninspired. Franco likes vampire films because they're cheap to make, and this one is no exception, despite the incredible cast Franco fucks up for the millionth time. You know the story, except in Bram Stoker's version the heroes aren't menaced by stuffed animals or almost crushed by paper mache boulders. Producer Harry Allen Towers (a con man) advertised this as the "definitive" version but the "definitive" aspects of the production end as soon as retard Franco picks up the camera. Klaus Kinsky plays Renfield, but is hardly in the movie (Franco prefers his stock High School drama students to real actors) and Christopher Lee is Drac again. At least those two have the excuse that they'd appear in anything as long as they were paid. Why did anyone else do it?

BRANDED TO KILL [Koroshi no Rakuin] (1967).
Seijun Suzuki was unknown in the US, now everyone proclaims him a genius. He's no genius, but his early films are at least watchable, and actually superb. This one is just exhausting. Interesting, but exhausting. The incredible Jo Shishido plays the #3 hitman who's obsessed with becoming #1, so he eliminates some of the competition before playing mindgames with #1. There's plenty of stuff going on, especially Shishido's bizarre sexual fixation on cooked rice (?), but by the middle the movie becomes meaningless and downright dull. Suzuki's job was to make entertaining films, this one isn't artistic, and it isn't entertaining, it's (as Kazuyoshi Okuyama called Kitano's Sonatine) and auteurist ego trip.

BROTHER (2000). More than a few great directors have not found much success in America. Don't ask me why, even someone like the great Kurosawa, who managed to make a fine movie in the USSR was driven to despair while working for an American studio on Tora Tora Tora!. Even someone like John Woo, for all his vulgar, populist tendencies, has lost every bit of his individuality in the boom boom juggernaut of Hollywood, and has essentially stooped to making lengthy essays starring Tom Cruise's hair. Takeshi Kitano hasn't gone that far, but he's still failed. Brother isn't exactly an American production, more of a British-Japanese one, but it was clearly geared towards the American market in many ways. Kitano leaves the familiar confides of Tokyo for Los Angeles, and leaves behind (for the most part) the Japanese language for English, one that he's hardly a master in (though he did speak it quite well in Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence). Brother is a weird and awkward concoction, a violent gangster movie crossed with elements of a typical buddy movie and "fish-out-of-water" premises. The result is haphazard and a little silly. It pains me to say it, since I think I must've come upon Kitano's films in around 1995, when I saw (thanks to an awful Video Search of Miami bootleg) Sonatine and was instantly blown away by its inventiveness and audacity, it seemed at times that the farthest thing from Kitano's mind was making a gangster movie, in its own way it resembled a meandering, loping American film from the 70s, in which the "plot" was nothing more than a series of loosely connected pieces somewhat arbitrarily put together. Of course, today, such an approach seems incomprehensible, since most movies, despite running two or three hours, are mostly overstuffed with meaningless scenes that do nothing to give meaning to the behavior of the characters, but rather exist to set up the next special effect. Kitano instantly struck me as a figure out of a bygone era, a carefully, stylistically impeccable genre film that is none-the-less more interested with the intangible elements of human behavior. His gangsters are like children, they mess around and play games while they wait around to be killed. While, to an extent, I've noticed that Kitano has tended to repeat himself a bit in his recent films, but nothing like Brother, in which he cannibalizes himself to no real effect. Scenes similar to ones in Sonatine or Hana-Bi arrive and leave without much impact. That is the real problem with Brother, everything happens and it doesn't do anything, at least not to me, the endless stream of killings and counter killings and mutilations and so on are heartless and cold, Kitano's unfeeling camera makes you admire, in some strange way, his doomed cops (Violent Cop or Hana-Bi), gangsters (Boiling Point, Sonatine) lovers and outcasts (Scene at the Sea, Kids Return). In Brother the killings are overwrought and even bizarre, when Omar Epps, as Kitano's buddy, finds his family slaughtered by the Mafia, there's no reaction whatsoever, its only another killing, there's no interest in Epps or his family. There's not much reason to recount the plot in detail, since it is so simple. Essentially, Kitano flees Japan when his Yakuza clan is disbanded and comes to America to see his younger "brother" (not a blood relation at any rate, but who is played by Claude Maki from A Scene at the Sea) who is now a low level drug dealer. On the street he has a run in with a black tough (Epps) who works with Maki, of course Kitano makes short work of the thug and nearly puts his eye out, though he doesn't recognize Kitano later on when they meet again. Instantly, Kitano starts to wipe out his younger brother's drug dealing competition, and soon this interracial gang becomes a powerhouse in the LA underworld, but when they refuse to play ball with a mythical Mafia, they are soon crushed underfoot. If you've seen any of Kitano's other films, you know exactly what will happen. The gangsters retire to game playing and childishness as they are killed off one by one. The stoic Japanese instill their more emotional American counterparts with a degree of acceptance towards their inevitable fate. (The British critic, Alex Walker, cried, of course, racism, at the film's conclusion, the immovable Japanese are happy to go to their deaths while the black American is content with a bag of loot, completely missing the film's final point. Lesson: a liberal and racism are never far apart.) Why this is better I don't know, and I don't think Kitano is sure either. Why the fatalistic Japanese are better off than the money happy Americans isn't exactly clear. When the Japanese owner of an out-of-the-way diner says, "you Japanese are so inscrutable" it seems that finally Kitano is falling back on that oldest of conventions: the "unknowable" Oriental. If anything it seems that the gangsters are simply death-obsessed in a weird adolescent way, while the Americans are the more realistic ones. But whether or not Kitano understands American psychology, or criminal psychology in unimportant, since there is no psychology here beyond mere stereotype. But the awkwardness of this is nothing compared to the clumsiness of the acting and the bizarre, zombified way in which the plot advances itself. Most of the American actors, beyond Epps and James Shigeta are awful, awkwardly and nervously mouthing their clichéd dialog. A few times there is some realism here and there, maybe when the actors are allowed to be themselves, but Kitano's badly realized script keeps getting in the way. The unidiomatic English dialog is so flatly delivered as to be ridiculous. Lines like, "Why not, we're gonna massacre 'em all later anyway." are hardly convincing (they remind me of John Dall's immortally wooden, "how can I ever repay you" from Spartacus). Kitano's reply, "I understand 'fucking Jap' asshole" gives things a charge, but shows just how out of his element Kitano is in America. There are some effective things, like Susumu Terajima (who is one of Japan's best actors) blowing his brains out, or the way Kitano and Epps sadistically toy with a captive Mafia boss (another walking cliché, listening to opera in his silk bathrobe). But nothing and I do mean nothing can compare favorably to Kitano's previous work, and it's a shame that this may be many people's introduction to Kitano, who still, despite this stumble, a major filmmaker. He has hinted that his next film will be a romantic drama, and as long as it doesn't star Julia Roberts I look forward to it.
BRUCE LEE THE MAN/THE MYTH (1976). I think we can all agree that Bruce Lee was a badass supreme, but I don't put much stock in his movies. Lee himself was always great, but taken as a whole his movies are slow-moving and amateurish, with Enter the Dragon coming the closest to a "quality" movie (plus it has John Saxon and Jim Kelly, so it can't be that bad, if it only had Ron van Cleef it'd be unbeatable!!). IRONICALLY the scores of hack-epics based around Lee's life/deeds on earth are actually more entertaining than any of his films. I think among martial artists (or at least people who read Black Belt Magazine) and perhaps South East Asians, Bruce Lee is to them what Elvis and Jesus are to white trash Americans: a source of tacky inspiration and strength. Elvis was pretty cool and Jesus was in all those comic books, so Bruce Lee can't be all that bad, but to watch these sort of movies you expect the guy to start walking on water and curing leprosy and giving water to Charlton Heston. Not surprisingly given the exploitive nature of Asian filmmaking, a number of actors made descent careers for themselves by aping Lee in countless movies. Bruce Li, Bruce Le, Bruce Liang, Bruce Leung, and Dragon Lee (and of course, who could ever forget, Bronson Lee) were among those who made the death of an international icon into a mealticket. Long live capitalism! At any rate, Bruce Li (really a Taiwanese guy named Ho Chung Tao) is probably the most familiar one, since this movie appeared countless times on late night TV in America and probably around the world too. (Of course, cool chop-socky movies are no longer shown on TV in America ever since the wonder of infomercials was discovered, usually chop-fu can only be found on Mexican TV at the very least, dubbed into Spanish, though it doesn't make much difference.) Basically this is the absolute not-at-all embellished true story of Bruce Lee's life and as such is slightly more accurate (not to mention watachable) than Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. Essentially we learn that Bruce Lee spent his life thusly: 95% getting into random fights, 4.999999% working out, .000000001% marriage, acting, having children, developing own style of martial arts. Lee generally beats the shit out of everyone and then tells them how great kung-fu (or should I say, "guoong-fouooo") is. Of course all of Lee's opponents are cowards who have to attack him three or four at once and tend to get really offended when Lee belittles their fighting school ("guoong-fouoooo!! how could this happen Thaikaratemanchu is best!!"). Lee fights a fat Japanese guy who somehow grows a couple of inches and drops about 30 lbs. during their fight, but he does nasty things because he's a dirty Jap like try to run Bruce over with a car and send goons with split pants to fight Bruce in an airport! Where's John Ashcroft to give everyone body cavity searches? In the end Bruce Lee starts to use all sorts of FUTURISTIC FIGHTING MACHINES to train with and we are given no explanation as to what he hopes to accomplish with these machines. It doesn't matter because Bruce Lee dies at the end! Or does he? Right now Bruce Lee is no doubt bagging groceries in a dirty Chinese supermarket and saying, "huh, paper…andplastic…………my……………………………………………………guoong-fouoooooo…………………………………………………isthebest!"
BUIO OMEGA (Beyond the Darkness, Buried Alive, 1979). Going against the grain of Argento-inspired stylized slashers, joltin' Joe D'Amato brings us this, a squirm-inducing and low-key necrophilia melodrama that explains exactly how D'Amato was able to spend years filming close ups of anal sex. Creepy Billy Joel lookalike Kieran Canter plays a young man who loses his beloved fiancee (Cinzia Monreale), possibly due to a hex placed on her by his scheming and obsessed (and scary-looking) maid (Franca Stoppi). He wastes no time in digging up her corpse and, using his own special embalming techniques, puts her into bed where he presumably consummates his marital desires on her. Typically though, more than being a mere necrophile, he's also a budding serial killer, offing any girl who either a) finds out his penchant for digging up corpses or b) gives him a boner. He kills a fat hitchhiker (not before tearing out her fingernails for some reason), and a sexy jogger (all he has to do to get her in bed is bandage her hurt ankle), all the while his crazy maid helps him dispose of bodies (leading to a nausea-inducing diner sequence) and a private-investigator pokes around the estate. D'Amato was never a particularly inspired director, which isn't to say he wasn't professional, he was probably far more professional than many of his other B-grade Italian contemporaries, and once again, the photography of this film is quite good (and much easier to appreciate in the new Shriek Show DVD rather than the washed-out VHS version that went by the middling Buried Alive title), but the primary strength of this film is the dead-pan way in which its ridiculous and grotesque plot is rolled out before the viewer, that and the patently unspectacular way in which the extreme violence is metted out to various characters, clinical and brutal in every respect. This is one movie that certainly is no classic, but who's “charms” however dubious, are thankfully more apparent now that it was been re-released.

BULLET IN THE HEAD (1990). I remember, when John Woo's movies first hit it big in America, this was sort of the Holy Grail to any self-respecting Woo fan. Unlike A Better Tomorrow, The Killer or Hard-Boiled, this movie was hard to find for quite awhile, yet it had the reputation of being Woo's best film. Finally, after plunking down the enormous sum of $40 I was blown away by it, it struck me as one of the single most intense and depressing films that I had seen. When I finally got to see it in a theater (in the longer "director's cut" no less, that has become another Holy Grail for any Woo fan) I was rather enraged that the audience laughed all the way through it (the audience laughed through A Better Tomorrow I and II, but I remember nobody really laughing that much during Hard-Boiled). At the time I thought the audience to be typical philistines, but looking at Woo's output now I can see the laughter, the man's films are ridiculous, it's unavoidable. The black and white characters, the idiotic melodramatic plots, the complete lack of psychological nuance or insight, and the thundering hammer-fisted direction can make his movies an exasperating experience. Yet, today, at least to me, Bullet in the Head still stand out. Despite the obvious "borrowing" from The Deer Hunter (among other movies) it most reminds me of Kurosawa's Ran, it is a movie from which all redemption and happiness has been removed, and it is still a grueling and intense movie, despite (or maybe even because of) its silliness and stiltedness.

Many films other than The Deer Hunter have had the "let's follow a group of friends and their experiences in the war" plot (like Paul Veerhoven's Soldier of Orange), and Woo uses three members of the Hong Kong underclass, street toughs (who look to be much too old to be teenage toughs) who get into rumbles and general mischief, and have no real plans in life. Ben (Tony Leung, in a genuinely star-making performance) is something of a pragmatist as well as a romantic, and is the only one (it seems) to have any relationships with girls, as he marries his sweetheart (Fennie Yuen), Frank (Jacky Cheung) is the wide-eyed kid of the group, doggedly loyal to his friends, and Paul (Waise Lee) is the most ambitious, obsessed with becoming a big-shot so as to forget his street sweeper father. After Ben's wedding, he and Frank kill a local hood in a street fight, and are forced to run off to Vietnam with Paul and two suitcases filled with contraband for Hanoi gangster Leong (Lam Chung). Unfortunately their goods are blown up in a terrorist bombing, and the three are nearly killed by Southern Vietnamese forces (who are shown to be as corrupt and stupid as the Northern Vietnamese are ruthless and sadistic). Undeterred the three head off to see and underling of Leong, a cool Eurasian hitman/CIA operative/all around handy guy Luke (Simon Yam, the real standout in the cast). Luke is, typically, a haunted Woo assassin, pining after former Cantonese singer Sally (Yolinda Yan), who is in the employ of Leong as a whore. Eventually the four team up against Leong, Ben and Luke for Sally, and Paul for the promise of money and power (Frank just goes along with his buddies). Of course, here comes the first implausibility (well, after Frank downs an entire bottle of scotch and chases it with a beer), since these previously innocent (so to speak) kids become remorseless killers, mowing down an entire legion of faceless goons, as Ben carries Sally off and Paul grabs a large box full of gold (and some CIA documents that will get them into trouble later on). They make their escape from Leong's nightclub, but Sally has been mortally wounded in the process, and, on the run from Leong's goons and the military, head for the river (Luke's convenient CIA contacts help them get through a checkpoint). Woo's penchant for the obvious comes in here, as the characters now start to have talisman-like possessions, Sally/Ben/Luke have Sally's passport, and Paul has his box of gold, which he thinks of above all else ("you can let me die, but let me keep my gold"). Here is one of the problems with the movie, while Paul was always a bit shifty and ambitious, he suddenly turns so cruel and violent and cold without batting an eye that it seems plainly bizarre, and Woo's total lack of the inner lives of his characters comes out, Paul from then on out is merely a stock villain, budging his eyes out and gleefully abandoning his buddies all for his box of gold. It is too pat, and poor Waise Lee must attempt to act out this horribly underwritten cipher of a character (amazingly, Woo criticized Lee's performance as being too much, exactly how a director can criticize an actor for not being able to fully flesh out an exceedingly poorly written character is really a case of the pot calling the kettle black, since Lee proved himself an excellent and understated actor in numerous films of the period, like The Big Heat). At any rate, Sally ends up dead, and the four end up on a slowly sinking boat, and end up being taken prisoner by the Viet Cong (with only Luke escaping). The three buddies are subjected to some awful psychological torture by the Viet Cong, who believe them to be connected with the CIA (since they find the CIA documents in Paul's box of gold), Frank is forced to shoot prisoners, and ends up losing it in the process, and Ben agrees to take his place, and guns down some more before they end up taking on their tormentors (Paul runs off with his gold) and Luke comes to the rescue with a team of Special Forces. Unfortunately in the big blowout that follows Luke ends up badly wounded, as does Frank, who ends up with Paul hiding from the Viet Cong, but his screams are attracting attention, and the now totally unhinged Paul shoots Frank in the head to shut him up. Everyone survives the battle, Paul leaves with his gold, Luke has lost an arm and is disfigured, Ben is taken in by Buddhist monks who nurse him, and Frank ends up a brain damaged, drug addicted semi-vegetable who pulls of hits for drug money. Ben looks up Luke, who leads him to Frank, and the inevitable revenge driven finale.

There's a lot of plot stuffed into two hours, that much is obvious, and much of it depends upon Woo's penchant for oversimplification. Yam's character of Luke is simply one of those convenient film characters that are so connected and so wise and capable that they help the heroes in any and all situations. When Yam comes running through the jungles to save the trio it incites laughter for the very reason that it is simply a deux ex machina, whenever the heroes are in trouble, Yam shows up to blast 200 bad guys. Another irritant is the fact that Woo ignores the Vietnamese completely, almost suggesting that somehow the whole Vietnam conflict was a Chinese issue, the Vietnamese, and the Americans as well, simply exist to be blown away by the heroes, Woo never for one moment stops portraying the Vietnamese as barbaric little savages who brutalize and torture everyone they can get their hands on. This is a fairly common Hong Kong attitude it seems, everyone outside the safe confides of the city is an unapologetic barbarian who lacks all refinement and civilization. This goes for Mainland Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Canadian, Russian, American, you name it. Worse, Woo clearly equates Paul's venal behavior as being an imported trait; he finds the American gold and begins to act like a horrible American, who cares nothing for his buddies, only money. He's less clear on his handling of Luke, who, after all, is a Eurasian, yet Woo glosses over Luke's mixed heritage so much that is ceases to exist, besides his speaking French and English in one or two scenes, again, Luke exists to propel the plot forward. Yet, despite the annoyances of Woo's provincial attitudes, the film charges ahead, Woo's plots, never particularly coherent (this one has two other screenwriters besides Woo) to begin with, are not his strong suit, and here the plot is just a broad series of archetypes, but I can't help thinking that if Woo attempted anything more serious than an exploration of the Vietnam conflict through the eyes of three movie land street toughs, he would be completely lost. Woo is, in essence, a filmmaker like Scorsese, he's a movie nerd without an enormous amount of hands-on life experience, and they both have a conception of reality that is so overwhelmingly supported by the movies that they are at their weakest when they move outside the realm of cinematic cliché. Nobody in Bullet in the Head does anything that's surprising, from Ben's eventually killing of Paul (in a ridiculous conclusion) to Ben's long suffering wife dutifully sticking around, waiting for his return. Every dour sort of character from Chang Cheh is here, right down to Tony Leung, whose excellent performance in none-the-less reminiscent of David Chaing's portrayals of slight, handsome, serious, and deadly young men. Leung's character is the only one that is even given an attempt to rise above cliché, he gradual transformation from sensitive young tough to cold vengeance seeking killer comes in stages. Frank, on the other hand, is reduced to murderer via a head injury, and Paul becomes the embodiment of Woo's horror of foreign evil with seemingly the flip of the switch. With the exception of Cheung (who is an actor to whom the concept of restraint is quite alien) the cast does an admirable job. One of the strengths of Woo's films are the excellent actors he is able to get, from Ti Lung's sad gangster from A Better Tomorrow to Chow Yun-Fat's doomed assassins, the leads are quite good. Yam especially gives the impression of effortless world-weariness, his almost undetectable signal to Leung to move out of the way before he blasts a corrupt miscreant is almost magical, and Yam has never been as charismatic as he is here, completely convincing even in his final scenes, understanding the limitations of his role and accepting them. Lee too, I think, is quite good, in a horribly written role that ranks as one of the most poorly conceived characters in any of Woo's films. Lee does his hardest to portray Paul as a pitiable figure, turned almost insanely wicked by his lust for money, and the pressures of his impoverished existence (the advice of all the "wise men" seems to be, "as soon as you have an opening, forget everything and go for it"), but the actor can only do so much, and Woo's complete inability to see anything in colors other than black or white makes Lee's job impossible. As in A Better Tomorrow, no shading whatsoever is given to Lee's betrayal minded character, he simply wants power, so he betrays. No matter how many people Woo's nominal hero's blast they remain above the fray, and indeed, above morality, all the harm these men do is hardly anything at all for Woo, who seems to feel that as long as one is attached to some sort of personal honor code, whatever excesses one commits are acceptable. Now, this may seem as an attack on Woo, and, in a way it is, especially since his films have been intellectualized to death over the years. Peel back the style and you get a perfectly empty universe, Woo's characters cause mayhem for their "code", but in the end their code only brings them death. Jeff from The Killer loses not only his life, but his girl, and, losing his eyes, cannot even help her, Ben loses his friends, presumably his wife and son, and indeed, his life, how can he return to normal after all this. Friendship is meaningless when it gets in the way of the march of history. So in that sense the "emptiness" of Woo is that for all the speeches he gives, he doesn't really believe that these codes, as such, mean much of anything in the world. I suppose that's the tragedy he attempts to portray, like the doomed fighters from innumerable Chang Cheh films, roped into killing friends and allies via obscure rituals and honor codes that they cannot undo. But, I think one should ignore the ugly undercurrents in Woo's work as much as possible. Woo is a completely kinetic filmmaker, he doesn't work with character, like Ringo Lam or Kirk Wong (or Stanley Kwan to name another), he hardly works at all with plot, like his frequent producer Tsui Hark, Woo works totally with movement and image. The slow-motion, the birds, the sparks, the gallons of spraying blood, these are designer atrocities, meted out like Dario Argento's ghoulish fashion shows. His characters are unforgivably cool, and exist to pose. Woo's American films have taken this to another level, as silly as Mission: Impossible 2 was, it showcased Woo's peculiar obsession with this grandiose attitude, characters don't need names, just titles: SPY, VILLIAN, FRIEND, LOVE INTEREST, DOOMED ROOKIE, etc. The only difference is that the hero might get a 20 minute death scene, whereas a faceless goon flails his limbs and dies instantly, what is so interesting about Woo is how little he really added to the action movie genre, how blatantly he placed Chang Cheh from Ming China to 1980s Hong Kong, how he replaced fist and sword with gun and grenade. In Chang, the hero can always take more blows, he can be slashed with a sword whereas a goon cannot, Woo's heroes fight endlessly and die when the emotional payoff is the greatest. Woo wants to be serious in a way Chang never wanted, when a movie was made in honor of Chang, and to raise money for him, he turned down the money and gave it to a film school. Woo, on the other hand, is a far more pretentious director than Chang, yet lacks that kind of purity, Woo has abandoned all scruples to join the ranks of yet another formerly interesting director turned faceless hack. Identifying the Woo of this terrible and thrilling movie with the Woo of stillborn works like Mission Impossible: 2, Broken Arrow and Windtalkers is impossible. He's become another robot movie machine. At least you can get mad at his old Hong Kong movies, and in the same moment be exhilarated by them. Now only a yawn stifles the indifference.


BULLY (2001). I guess Larry Clark is looking to corner the market on quasi-teenie porn art-house sleaze fests, as he continues in the same direction as Kids with this look at the lives of the severely dead-end. Our story centers on a group of bottom-feeders in Florida who spend 99% of their time smoking dope and fucking. The only one who seems to be heading anywhere is Bobby Kent (Nick Stahl) who's father is driving him to actually *gasp* do something with his life. Unfortunately Bobby is a near-psychotic bully who relentlessly torments his "best friend" Marty Puccio (Brad Renfro, who, considering his subsequent busts for child-actor crimes got into his role a little too much) a typical go nowhere high school drop out loser who spends most of his time surfing, smoking dope (of course) and screwing his equally lame girlfriend Ali (Bijou Philips) whom he has impregnated. Bobby sidelines in making gay porno and forcing Marty to take gay phone sex calls and generally making life unpleasant for everyone, and eventually Ali decides that the best thing to do is to kill Bobby. Since these degenerates don't have the collective brainpower to order a pizza this obviously isn't going to go down very well. Add to the mix a few other misfits, doper Donny (Michael Pitt) and his skank girlfriend Lisa (Rachel Miner) whom Bobby had "raped", fat cousin Derek (Daniel Franzese) who spends most of his spare time playing Mortal Kombat and best of all "The Hitman" (Leo Fitzpatrick) another lay about who has an active fantasy life, he thinks he's a southern mafia tough guy. These idiots take Bobby out to the boondocks and do him in (Clark at least bothers to show the killing, as badly planned and executed as it is, for what it is, a brutal torturous assault). Not surprisingly it takes about a tenth of a second for these nitwits to be taken down and turn on one another, and the fact that half of them will be quite old indeed when they get out is cause for celebration.

We're in "based on a true story" territory here, and this one comes from the somewhat self-righteous book Bully: A True Story of High School Revenge by Jim Schutze (also a producer). I doubt anybody could come up with a cast of characters like this if they weren't real. Clark, to his credit, for the most part resists the easy points: suburbia is bad because there are no families, parents are clueless, etc, mostly allowing this motley crew of zombified teenagers act out their feeble plan with almost Aeschylus-like nihilism, since these kids are all so stupid that no one once suggests that perhaps Marty should just stay away from Bobby if Bobby makes his life so miserable, since Bobby himself is just a run-of-the-mill sadist/control freak and would undoubtedly find someone else to lord himself over. In fact these kids have such a narrow world-view that no one even thinks of just leaving their jerk-water burg and starting life afresh somewhere else. They live and die in their pointless little suburban paradise and are so addled by dope and hopelessness that even rebellion is a misnomer, since their parents seemingly make no effort to stand in the way of their destructive lives, being either overly solicitous or indifferent (one parent at least wonders aloud about the parents of her daughter's friends, but almost instantly is off to play cards and ignore everything). It may or may not be intentional, but Bobby nearly comes off as sympathetic, at least to me, as he apparently senses his superiority to the others, but as having no competition and no outlet for his talents or ability lashes out in bizarre, pointlessly sadistic ways. He's a fairly interesting individual, far more so than Marty, who is pitiable at first, but soon seems more like a lobotomized robot, blindly following along with the mob as they push him into committing a senseless murder, he's no patsy though, he's simply too stupid and too much of a failure to pull away, he simply isn't that interested. Unlike Camus' The Stranger, these kids aren't merely indifferent to their actions, they literally lack the foresight or even rudimentary intelligence to care, its not conscious as much as it is a sort of vegetative quality. At the very least Clark doesn't bother to justify or even make the viewer feel sorry for anyone here (though curiously, in real life Bobby was of Arab descent, something changed in the film, as well as Ali being rather fat and unattractive) and the saddest part is that anyone who went to a suburban high school will recognize roughly 2/3s of the people they knew as the sorts who lived and continue to live just like this.

 
THE BURNING MOON (1992). Gory gory gory SoV horror anthology that's not half bad. Director Olaf Ittenbach plays a junkie who gets high and tells his sister a pair of gruesome bedtime stories. The first one has a young woman finding out her date is an escaped lunatic, she runs home, he follows and slaughters her entire family. Features lots of gory limb hackings and blood spraying, as well as the psycho showing us a new way to ditch annoying tailgating drivers: open your moonroof and toss a severed head at them! The second features a Satan worshipping priest (?) who kills people in the ill-defined interests of purity. An especially stupid farmer is blamed for the killings and is killed. He rises from the grave and shows his killer a vision of hell. Features some really disgusting stuff, not the least of which is a guy being ripped in half at the crotch. Has all the typical SoV elements: pedestrian acting, home-movie lighting, and poor camerawork, but its better than any J.R. Brookwalter movie and those stupid Violent Shit movies.
BURNING PARADISE (1993). Legions away from Ringo Lam’s earlier, gritty crime dramas (City on Fire, Full Contact), this is a big budget, Tsui Hark produced martial arts extravaganza. A teenage Fong Sai-Yuk (Willie Kwai) is taken prisoner by the sinister Red Lotus sect, who have taken the monks of Shaolin temple hostage in their enormous underground fortress. The head monster in charge (Wong Kam-Kong) paints frightening pictures on the walls, tears off women’s heads, and seems to be invincible, add to the fact that the fortress is a terrifying place lined with every manner of pitfall and trap, and its obvious that Fong has his work cut out for him, as he attempts to not only escape, but free the captive Shaolin monks. Lam here delivers an almost non-stop assault on the senses, as intricate stuntwork (a minimum of wire effects too, yay!) and fighting mixes with an undeniable atmosphere of dread and graphic bloodletting. Apparently produced to introduce Kwai (who went on to do very little) as a counterbalance to Jet Li, this very expensive movie was a gigantic flop, which is unfortunate, as it is one of the best films of the period.
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