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AFTERMATH
(1994). Its easy to expect big things from Nacho Cerda, the young Spanish
director who made this grotesque short film about a pathologist (Pep Tosar)
and his very close relationship with his subjects. Maybe it’s a cross between
Jorg Buttgereit and Argento (even Fulci) as written by Jose Mojica Marins,
but it is a hypnotic experience, free of dialog and extraneous plot, its
more or less a disturbed glimpse into everyday perversion, albeit pulled
off with almost operatic aplomb.
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AGUIRRE,
THE WRATH OF GOD (1973). Easily the best and most strangely hypnotic film
from Werner Herzog features Klaus Kinsky as a force of nature, the insane
conquistador who becomes fixated on finding the mythical El Dorado, the
lost city of gold. Nothing much happens in a conventional sense, but Herzog’s
camera simply lingers on the jungle, on the doomed faces of the men, and
on Kinsky who burns and explodes with a mythical power. All the more effective
for its lack of easy moralization that is typically found in films of this
type, and the final scene of a completely insane Kinsky on a drifting boat
surrounded by monkeys is unforgettable.
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A.
K. (1985). Rather pointless documentary on Akira Kurosawa and the filming
of his final great film Ran. While Kurosawa is surprisingly spry
for a half-blind 72 year old, there is little insight to his methods and
thoughts. Typical Chris Marker pablum.
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ALICE,
SWEET ALICE (1976). Strange little thriller features an unlucky little girl
(Brooke Shields, on who’s fame the film was later sold) being tormented
by her cruel older sister (Paula Sheppard), and, on her first communion,
is strangled and set on fire. All signs point to the sister, but…This creepy
gem was brought in on a spare change budge, but director Alfred Sole plays
the quirky Hitchcockian game to the hilt, and though it sags in the middle,
it has a satisfyingly offbeat conclusion. Niles McMaster plays the doomed
uncle and was in the New York lensed Bloodsucking Freaks the year before,
and Alphonso DeNoble, who is incredible as the fat, lecherous superintendent
appeared in the same film as a white slave trader.
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ALIEN
CONTAMINATION (aka CONTAMINATION/THE DEADLY SPAWN, 1981)
A pretty stupid spaghetti horror about a bunch of little alien pods that
end up in New York harbor (the ubiquitous Italian attempt to fool slower
viewers into thinking this is an American production). Some cops and a scientist
come by to investigate, one moron picks up a glowing pod and it spits out
some green goo and people start to explode, their innards blowing out all
over the place. Some government scientists (who all reside in a set that's
as authentic as anything in Star Trek) show up to find out what the
hell is going on, and guess what? the Martians are behind the whole thing.
This is only slightly better than the rest of peanut-brained Luigi Cozzi's
(and his "Lewis Coates" doppelganger) crud, mostly due to a lot
of gut exploding action (love that poor rat) and Cozzi's prerequisite amount
of campy absurdity (poor man's Richard Johnson Ian McCulloch playing an
ex-astronaut emotionally scarred by his run-in with some nefarious Martins).
Best line: "We would like to buy large amounts of your coffee."
The only scary moments come from Martin Mase, who looks exactly like Ted
Bundy. |
ALIEN
PREY (1979).
While the 80s seem pretty ridiculous, at least they had cool video box covers.
This one, along with the ones for H.G. Lewis' movies and Zombie were
the best. It blows the final scene of this movie, but it's worth it to be
able to proudly take this up to some trendy pierced video clerk and see
them give you that soccer mom disapproving look. The box featured a blurry
still of a weird-looking guy chowing down on a chick in a bed. It also had
a great tag line: "Their hunger makes us all…ALIEN PREY."
Believe it or not this film is actually loosely based on D.H. Lawrence's
The Fox! It's not a great movie by any stretch, but I liked it a
lot, it's smart, exploitive and in horrible taste. Lesbian lovers Sally
Faulkner (scary butch) and Glory Annan (dumb Anne Heche lipstick lesbo)
live in seclusion until the arrival of a mysterious stranger, Barry Stokes.
What they don't know is that Stokes is an alien who has the nasty habit
of sprouting fangs and disemboweling people. Stokes arrives on Earth and
immediately kills a man and assumes his identity. When some bobbies come
around to investigate, he kills them, but for the most part he finds himself
in the middle of the most argumentative lesbo couple in history (you won't
find these two anywhere near a Lillith Fair tour stop).
Basically Stokes is very confused about everything, and it can't help that
his first impressions of our fair planet are these two jokers, who do it
lesbo style for him at one point. The ending is clichéd, but actually
a bit surprising, featuring some shoddy make-up on Stokes, but some pretty
explicit and extended violence. But, even more than the lesbian scenes and
violence, I appreciated the film's overall intelligence, since it is pretty
damn rare to see an exploitation film that seems like it was made by people
who've actually read a book and possibly don't spend all of their time whacking
off to Hustler. Basically it's about three childish people, the naive
Annan, the selfishly childish Faulkner (though, I don't remember Lawrence's
story making the butch lez into a serial killer), and the confused Stokes,
who gives an excellent performance, as the out-of-place man on a mission
who never once lets drop the fact that he doesn't have the slightest idea
what's going on (like when Faulkner and Annan doll him up like a woman,
or for that matter when he spies them doing it). I can also respect a movie
that features decapitated chickens, and a character with an unhealthy obsession
with a pet parrot. Directed by Norman J. Warren, who gave us the weird-ass
sci-fi flick Inseminoid that I remember only for the red suited space
men and somebody barfing up white stuff (hey, I saw it when I was eight,
give me a break!).
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ALL MEN
ARE BROTHERS: BLOOD OF THE LEOPARD (1993). Typical flying swordsman flick
with Tony Leung (the one not in Hard Boiled) as a general who gets
double-crossed by a corrupt governor, he befriends a fighting monk and is
sent into exile, but when his wife (Joey Wang, in a thankless role) is murdered
he seeks revenge. The opening is slow, but the last half-hour or so is pretty
good, with a few bloody fights. A pre-star Lau Ching-Wan is in a minor supporting
role as Leung’s student, but he found superstardom soon after with C’est
la Vie, Mon Cherie.
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ALL
NIGHT LONG (1992). Katsuya Matsumura's All Night Long films are among
my favorite recent "horror" films. As rough and brutal as anything I've
seen, they are unsparingly bleak looks into the underbelly of affluent Japanese
society, a place populated by creepy weirdoes and serial killers in training.
I had seen the second and third films, and was curious about the first.
I was surprised to find it was a mainstream production, released by Daiei
Studio and even >gasp< shot on film. I was also a little disappointed, it's
not a bad film, but never drifts as far as do the other two films. Unlike
the other two, this film presents its protagonists as essentially normal
people driven to violence and hatred by an uncaring and mechanical society.
Basically its about three young men, a nerd in an elite school, a lonely
rich boy, and a middle-class troublemaker who one day witness a brutal and
motiveless stabbing. The three become friends, and plan to meet for a party,
but the week that follows is so cruel and bizarre they are driven to extremes
by the end. The nerd finds himself manipulated by a loutish, fat classmate,
and a pretty girl, the troublemaker dreams of being an airplane mechanic,
but is rejected, he meets a girl and falls in love but (of course) she's
raped and tortured to death, the rich boy is humiliated by a nihilistic
slut he picks up. The three set out to avenge the girl's death, and do it
by torturing and humiliating a group of sadistic teenage gang members.
In typical Matsumura style, it is the weakest and least likeable character,
the nerd, who ends up making it through the ordeal, smiling triumphantly
before reentering the faceless throng. In each of the films Matsumura's
premise becomes more extreme, here the protagonists are normal, the next
(Atrocity) he is slightly disturbed at the outset, in the concluding
film (Final Atrocity) he is clearly insane at the beginning. Matsumura
effectively presents a society that presents no middle ground, you are either
swallowed up in a sea of conformity and blandness, or you snap and butcher
and kill. In that way they are prescient films, as the crime rate, especially
motiveless murders, has increased greatly in Japan since this first film,
it seems Matsumura was onto something, a society that is more and more driving
even its best people to extremes. That said, this film isn't particularly
good, mainly for the reason that is does not compare favorably to the other
two, in which everything is self-contained and semi-plausible, this film
is built too much on circumstance and plot contrivances, and lacks the raw
edge of the other films. Fortunately Matsumura re-conceptualized the films
and went in a new direction.
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ALL
NIGHT LONG 2 (1994). Follow Japanese news reports for any amount of time
and one will come upon accounts of random acts of violence committed-almost
always without motive-by young people. A girl's throat slit in a tunnel,
a family hacked to death with a machete, a young man set ablaze in a forest;
these reports come in with revolting regularity. Even in a country like
America, where news of violent crime is a part of daily life, such things
would be shocking, but in a country like Japan where "harmony" and "consensus"
rule the day they are impossible. Or…are they really so surprising after
all? Since Japan's entry onto the world stage over a century ago, there
has always been a whispered sociological interest in the perceived "cruelty"
of the Japanese. Is there something about Japanese society that simply makes
them more inclined to be sadists? Of course, in this present-day society
such impolite thoughts are not taken seriously, at least among non-Japanese,
yet it seems clear that to the quasi-"underground" writer/director Katsuya
Matsumura that Japanese people at least (and, undeniably, the rest of humanity)
are savagely cruel. All Night Long 2 (which, at some point, seems to have
picked up a subtitle of Atrocity along the way) is basically a bloodier,
expanded remake of Matsumura's middling Daiei production All Night Long,
a film in which seemingly "normal" middle-class Japanese teenagers are driven
to violence by numerous unsettling events. This movie dispenses with the
entire concept of "normalcy", as the characters are all malcontents and
misfits to begin with. Socially inept Shunichi (Masashi Endo) is unceasingly
tormented by a gang of High School bullies lead by a sadistic white clad
homosexual (Kanori Kadomatsu); the gang bullies Shunichi because he is weak,
this much is obvious, he is pathetically afraid, yet for some reason the
leader (his name is never given) becomes fixated on the nerdy boy (though
does absolutely nothing to end his torments). Shunichi, obviously has no
friends, and spends most of his days chatting online (even in the infancy
of such things, 1994, Matsumura was hitting the nail on the head!) and building
somewhat creepy comic styled dolls, a woman's body with a child's face.
Shunichi takes time as well to stare lovingly at various little girls who
cross his path, under normal circumstances one might take this for Shunichi's
desire to escape back into childhood, but Matsumura gives these scenes an
unsettling undercurrent, one that is elaborated on to great effect later
on. After a particularly brutal encounter with the gang the leader pays
Shunichi a visit and takes him to his house (he neglects to show Shunichi
his room, tastefully decorated by Holocaust pictures and a bucket filled
with guinea pig body parts), and after dinner brings out a battered young
woman who had been raped and dropped off by the gang. The leader has torn
out her fingernails and doesn't bother to feed her, he uses her to pull
Shunichi more into his orbit, as his sadism is primarily composed of getting
others to see the world as he does (people are dirty and useless, how you
treat people is of no importance, so on and so forth), and he succeeds in
getting Shunichi to attack the girl, and later aid him in dropping her off
at a junk yard (the "people are trash" motif is explained further in All
Night Long 3). Eventually Shunichi attempts to meet with his online friend
"GoodMan" when the gang demands 110,000 yen. At the meeting place there's
no GoodMan, but instead are two others who seem to have been fooled by the
same person (another bit of cruelty). Shunichi tells them about his problems,
and they come around to offering to help him out. Unfortunately for them,
Shunichi unwisely takes them to his apartment, and shortly after one friend's
girl shows up, along comes the gang. Blackmailing Shunichi with a tape recording
of him beating the girl, he lets them in (Matsumura, at least doesn't bother
to show Shunichi as being at all heroic, rather he remains gutless through
most of the movie). The good news is Shunichi can get off paying the gang
50,000 yen, the bad news is they spy the girl's shoes in the doorway and
kidnap Shunichi's new friends, taking them to the leader's house. The inevitable
bloodbath occurs at the home of the leader, as the gang commits various
grotesque tortures on Shunichi's friends (some things are left unseen, though
a shot of a bed covered with blood and feces is genuinely disturbing, not
to mention disgusting) the leader alternately attempts to seduce Shunichi
and brutalize him, giving him a taste of his oddly American philosophy,
"live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse". With a little imagination
the ending is somewhat predictable, with Shunichi's complete divorce from
reality (or his acceptance of it, depending on one's viewpoint), but Matsumura
isn't being original or clever, he's being unsparing. Few movies can match
the sheer brutality and Sadeian quality of the conclusion of this one. Matsumura's
point is obvious: people aren't driven to violence and cruelty, they already
are violent and cruel and it takes very little to bring out that barely
hidden side of human nature.
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THE
AMAZING TRANSPLANT (1970). Okay, I'm still working on a review for Doris
Wishman's mind-blowing A Night To Dismember, which is the most warped
piece of celluloid I've ever come across. So impressed was I, your humble
reviewer, by that movie, I decided to check out another of Miss Wishman's
cinematic "gems". Unfortunately this is a by-the-numbers nudie pic with
dull sex scenes, enlivened only by the completely ridiculous ending. Artie
(suave, as in somewhat lumpy Juan Fernandez) sees and ex-girlfriend, proposes
to her, then strangles her after she takes her clothes off. GASP. Artie's
uncle, a police detective, investigates by sitting down a lot and making
really ugly, weird faces. It turns out that Artie has made a habit of going
to see various girlfriends and raping them (some more willing that others).
Finally Uncle Detective goes to see a really creepy looking doctor who had
operated on Artie, and we find out the SHOCKING TRUTH. Artie had a penis
transplant! Let me say that once more, Artie had a penis transplant. These
are apparently very common, IN THE FUTURE. It turns out Artie is a limp
dork who idolized his buddy Felix, who got more ass than a proctologist.
Anyway, Felix gets sick and dies, so quite naturally Artie asks the creepy
as hell doctor, "Doctor, I want you to put Felix's penis on me." Unfortunately,
Felix liked to strangle women wearing gold earrings! Oh no, now for some
reason Artie too is possessed by Felix's strange desires. Okay, voodoo penises
are one thing, but why is everybody in this movie so damn ugly? I mean Christ,
couldn't Wishman find anything better than the nasty booty she unearths
here? I mean, I'm not particular or anything, but ugh. This whole thing
is pretty dreary and dull, despite the usual hilarity to be found in Wishman,
namely the cheap props that are used over and over (everybody has a library
that contains the same books, as well as the same porcelain horse), the
quickest strangulation in film history, as well as the aforementioned butt-ugly
cast. I'd rather sit through A Night to Dismember again though.
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ANGEL
TERMINATORS 2 (1991).
Pretty poor excuse for a girls-with-guns movie with Yukari Oshima as a juvenile
delinquent getting out of jail and hanging out with her friends, i.e. Moon
Lee. After much celluloid is spent Lee, Oshima and Co. get into trouble
with a ruthless gangster after Oshima steals a diamond from one of his cronies
and lots of people will die violent deaths by the time the credits roll.
Sibelle Hu looks incredibly bad as a dumpy, chinless cop, and by the end
it literally looks like an over-weight middle-aged man is doubling for her.
Unlike most Moon Lee films, the fight scenes aren't very good and that leaves
you with two cents of plot and an uncontrollable urge to leave the room
and do something useful with yourself.
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ARMOR OF
GOD (1986). Jackie Chan directs himself as a globe-trotting mercenary who
specializes in retrieving priceless archeological artifacts. When his ex-girlfriend
(Rosamund Kwan) is kidnapped, he teams up with, of all people, Alan Tam,
his ex-best friend with whom he had been in a “rock” group with (this footage
is priceless), and a rich heiress to track down the girl and the legendary
Armor of God. Of course, there’s plenty of fighting and stuntwork, the long,
continuous fight scene against an army of monks is the highlight, but like
most of Chan’s self-directed films the pace is lagging and there is way
too much lame comedy. This movie is famous for being the one that almost
killed Chan, when he fell 40 feet from a tree and hit his head (in the Asian
version, the end music stops for this moment to underline the seriousness,
in the witless American version, the lame music just keeps right on going).
Now, prepared to be confused, as in America this is called Operation
Condor 2: The Armor of God, making this movie the sequel to its
own sequel, Operation Condor! Only in America…
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THE
ASSASSIN (1967). It appears this movie was very popular during the student
riots of 1967, and its not hard to see why, for all the trappings of a love
story and the more melodramatic parts, this is an essential example of Chang
Cheh's cinema, serious, dour, and nihilistic. Wang Yu (in the same year
as The One-Armed Swordsman) stars as Nieh Cheng, a brilliant swordsman
of the Han era of the Ch'in states warring against their barbarian neighbors
(over 2000 years ago!!). He and another swordsman love the same woman, Hsia
Ying (Chiao Chiao), and fight a duel over her, Nieh wins, and the other
swordsman leaves, and goes over to the enemy, and betrays his school. The
school is wiped out, and only Nieh and his friend Tu (Cheng Lui) escape.
Tu goes to work for a former government minister who longs to overthrow
the corrupt government (the familiar Tin Fung), but quickly the ex-minister
is targeted for assassination, and barely escapes with his life, Tu dying
to protect him. He goes searching for Nieh, and finds him to be a butcher,
working hard to support his mother and sister. The minister and Nieh become
blood brothers, but Nieh cannot leave his responsibilities to his family,
and thusly refuses the minister's offer to come work for him (for a bucketload
of silver incidentally). Years pass and eventually Nieh's mother dies, and
his sister is married, so he returns to the minister. The two agree the
best course of action is to assassinate the Prime Minister, a suicide mission,
and Nieh accepts it. He tracks down Hsia, giving her gifts, and the two
consummate their love (I was a bit surprised by the brief nudity, considering
how chaste the movie was up to this point); and Nieh heads off to complete
his mission. This is, not surprisingly considering the date, quite a bit
different from Chang Cheh's later films, he was still a stock Shaw Brothers
director and hadn't quite happened upon the essence of his cinematic formula:
action for action's sake. This is in line with the films of the era, lush,
large-scale melodramas featuring more romance than action. Despite this
(and the fact that Chang as a writer and director is quite uninterested
in women) I enjoyed most of the film quite a bit, right on the outset Chang
establishes the two clashing viewpoints: Nieh's obsessive, nihilistically
heroic need to die for a cause, and Hsia's more domestic viewpoint, she
wants to live in peace and harmony, and cannot understand why the world
cannot be calmer for her. Nieh cannot accept his humble origins, whereas
Hsia does. Nieh obviously belongs to the world of warriors and doomed knights,
and Hsia belongs to the world of mortals, exclaiming at the end that being
a woman means to live a long life in sadness. This counterweight is missing
from Chang's later movies, which become all-male, Mishima-like excursions
into insanely obsessive heroism that generally leads to death or even disgrace.
Since the emphasis is on drama, not action, there isn't much swordplay here,
but the conclusion, in which Nieh finally assassinates the villainous Prime
Minister is pure Chang, the rhythms, the gruesomely heroic violence (Nieh
gutting himself as well as cutting off his own face), the bits of fantasy
(Nieh's flying about from time to time), as well as the triumph of technology
and skill over numbers, as Nieh makes mincemeat of the Prime Minister's
men, armed with weak bronze swords, while he wields and indestructible steel
blade. Of course, there are some weak points, especially some of the late
scenes involving Nieh's sister and Hsia which are somewhat unnecessary,
but that's hardly a complaint, most two hour movies have dead spots. Beyond
that this is a highly effective and colorful melodrama that has, none-the-less,
a touch of melancholy, the hero may inevitably die, but there is a sadness
connected to it.
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THE
ASSASSINATION OF TROTSKY (1972).
Alain Delon plays a mysterious oddball involved with Romy Schnieder, an
acolyte of the dying Trotsky (Richard Burton) living in exile in glamorous
Mexico City. After an assassination attempt on Trotsky fails Delon is charged
with killing him by the Commies on his own. Joseph Losey was always a pretentious
and wrong-headed filmmaker with a singular talent for making simplistic
movies out of complex material and this is no different. Trotsky is a martyr
for Communism (as if there weren't enough of those with that dubious honor),
but is never anything more than a cardboard textbook figure constantly spouting
portentous dialogue (and Burton's usual "I'll-act-as-soon-as-the-check-clears"
performance doesn't help). Fans of slow-moving fart-head art films with
Alain Delon (who should have stuck to "right-wing" action movies)
might be the audience for this one.
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AUDITION
(1999.) Okay, let me get this out of the way at the beginning. THIS MOVIE
IS FUCKED UP. This is one of the few movies I've ever seen that has sent
people literally running for the exits. After seeing director Takashi Miike's
Fudoh I thought he was just another trendy overrated director, but
this changed my mind. I've never seen anything like this movie, and I don't
think I'll ever watch it again. You will be terrified of all women after
you see this, I promise (especially very shy Japanese girls). The always
human-seeming Ryu Ishibashi plays a widower, who, after many years, gives
into the advice of his friends and looks for another woman. He and a friend
of his decide to hold an "audition" for a suitable woman. Ishibashi impassively
goes through the meat parade, but his attention falls on one particular
woman, Asami (Eihi Shiina), a very shy and mysterious woman. Mysterious
in that she is vague about her past and no one can find any information
on her. Of course, this disturbs Ishibashi's friend, but he pays no heed
and becomes interested in her. They date, then she disappears. Then she
shows up again. All the while Miike shows us glimpses of her disturbing
private life, like a large burlap bag in her room that moves from time to
time. Finally things between them get serious, and she disappears once more,
only to show up in her true form, and unleashing some heavy duty violence
in the process. Miike, of course, is playing off of typical male fears,
that of the seemingly innocent woman who turns out to be a terror (even
in non-frightening terms, like a woman who becomes a ballbreaker type),
as well as the sexist attitudes of most men (Japanese in particular) who
seem to treat women as throw-away objects (shades of Katsuya Matsumura's
All Night Long films). Ishibashi's character is a nice, decent guy,
but Miike shows that he too, as used women and dropped them (like the plain
woman who works in his office). In that sense, no one is really to blame,
Asami has had her humanity sucked out of her through rejection, manipulation
and abuse. Ishibashi tries to do the right thing, but doesn't think of the
fact that what he does can hurt. The conclusion, featuring extended scenes
of torture is hard to take, not only because of the violence, but because
one can identify with both the victim and the torturer. One doesn't want
to be alone, the other cannot accept love that's shared with anything else.
The brutality seems to be more emotional that physical. That said, I could
never see myself watching this again for those very same reasons, it is
simply a very hard film to take, in its own way, it uses the viewer and
kicks them to the curb.
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AUSTIN
POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER (2002). Let's get this straight right off the bat,
every Austin Powers movie is exactly the same! I don't want anybody
getting to the end of this review, which will undoubtedly be riveting (as
in poorly reasoned and boring), and be confused. Austin Powers movies
are the same in much the same way that the Wayne's World movies where
the same. Wait a minute, both of those movies starred Mike Meyers! Ok, Mike,
you're not fooling anybody, time to admit you have no talent. Well, maybe
not no talent, but a very limited talent at most, since Meyers' strategy
is to use the same set up, the same jokes, and even the same scenes from
his last movie in his new one. Admittedly, Saturday Night Live cast
members are the least funny people on Earth, so maybe that explains it.
Then again, Meyers is Canadian, a country, we are told, is funny, and yet
has given us so very many people who plainly aren't, John Candy, Dan Aykroyd,
well, the entire cast of SCTV, even the solo Kids in the Hall
have been pretty lame, which probably explains their relentless milking
of their cash cow. I guess Canadian comics are more personable than funny,
and Meyers is certainly that, he isn't abrasive, or offensive, he might
crack a gross-out joke here and there, but mostly he sticks to safe targets,
making fun of European accents for instance. Essentially every Austin
Powers movie has: jokes involving forced perspective gags and or shadows
(roughly every 15 seconds), "banter" between Dr. Evil and his cronies which
tends to be embarrassing (I actually did feel a little embarrassed as every
lame Dr. Evil joke just crashed and burned), dancing and singing, forced
perspective, midgets, gross out jokes, European ethnic jokes (take that,
Dutch!), forced perspective, movie references and of course forced perspective.
This one also has Michael Caine. I won't say any more about that. It also
has a fairly large number of unwanted celebrity guest appearances, including
charisma free non-actors like Steven Spielburg, and bizarrely, Katie Couric,
who goes four seconds without pimping colon exams. The plot this time has
something to do with…oh hell, who gives a damn. But, I can see signs of
desperation in the Austin Powers franchise, namely the oldest of
bad Peter Sellars jokes standby: Asians with funny sounding names. Take
that you Korean bastards! There's Fook Me and Fook Yu, but where's Hung
Lo and Dong Long, or even, Suk Me Of? Really lazy there Mike. Plus there's
the really desperate standby of having Ozzy Osbourne and his horrible miserable
family stopping the movie to make fun of the fact that there are jokes in
this Austin Powers that were used in the previous ones. Hey, Ozzy, you're
so funny, NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND ONE FUCKING WORD YOU SAY. Are we supposed
to like this guy? Hey, when I had a mullet as a teenager I loved Black
Sabbath, and who can beat Crazy Train, but Ozzy's just a wreck
now, why people spend a half hour out of their lives to watch this wretch
is beyond me. "Oh, I'm mumblin' all my fookin' lines, laugh at me, not with
me." Well, that said, there are a few funny moments here, mostly the gross
stuff that involves Fat Bastard describing his farts and a prison musical
number of Jay-Z's Hard Knock Life performed by Dr. Evil with the
bad word gaps in place. Beyonce Knowles from Destiny's Child is in
this for some reason, doing a poor imitation of blacksploitation attitude
with her cut-rate Disney persona. Above all this is the idiocy of the villain,
"Goldmember" a hedonistic Dutch metallurgist who supplies more lame jokes
than any other character and seems to exist to…well, I'm not sure what his
purpose is. I imagine considering the money these movies rake in, there'll
be another one, and I think Mike Meyers wrote the screenplay shortly after
breakfast this morning.
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