Paul Naschy Loves Children

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When audiences the world over think of Paul EXCITEMENT Naschy, actor, director, writer, humanitarian, Scientologist, many things come to mind. To some, he is a visionary artist, creator of such timeless characters as Polish werewolf Waldemar Daninski, who uses a special submarine outfitted with screen doors to battle the evil forces of evil. To others it is his warm sense of humor, as displayed in the frequently repeated anecdote of Naschy, before biting the face off an infant, exclaiming, "by devouring you I shall imbibe your lifeforce, and thereby live forever." To his wife of 15 minutes, Shirley Hempill, it is Paul Naschy, husband and father to 16 adorable girls, all named Paul. To authorities in Grand Rapids Michigan, it is Paul Naschy, registered sex offender.
	Paul Nascy was born on Feburary 31, 1878 around 9:30 at night to his proud parents, Julio "Goober" Naschy, and his doting mother, Esmerelda "Monobrow" Nascy on the couple's sprawling emu ranch northeast of Barcelona Spain. The young Naschy was a prodigious student, devouring reams of such classics as, "Naughty Nurses", "Naughty Nurses Go to Berlin", "Naughty Nurses Meet Abe Lincoln" and of course, "The Confessions of St. Augustine". Friends remember Paul as a kind-hearted and loving boy, though prone to fits of puppy torture and baby burning. As lifelong stalker Gary "Gary" Garcia says, "Paul really liked to hurt babies and puppies, it was like he could only hurt weak and defenseless things, we all thought it was funny then, but having read the many fine works in the 'True Crime' section of my bookstore I now know Paul was in danger of becoming a serial killer/Catholic priest!!!"
"Grrr, I'm a werewolf"
Naschy was first introduced to Cinema (or, as it is known in Spain, El Cinema) during his stint as Buffy in a touring production of "Our Town". As Paul Naschy hanger-on and fanfiction author Stan "the Man" Fitzpatrick says, "Paul first saw Orson Wells' 'Bride of Frankenstein and Dracula and Wolfman and Mummy and Zombie' and decided at that point to pursue a career as an actor." It is here that Paul Naschy life changed inexorably when he met 10 year old Mandy Moore. He would guide the young pop sensation to world-wide success before marrying the saucy songstress. Says Naschy's parole officer, "Paul's a real piece of work, I mean what kind of goddman sicko's gonna try and marry a 12 year old, I mean the guy was 46 for crissakes!" Undeterred by society's "rules" Naschy and Moore were married on August 31, 1998 in Las Vegas. "The tabloids went crazy," says longtime Naschy friend and confidant Bill Clinton, "they just didn't understand, they saw it as sleazy and disgusting that an unattractive 40 something should marry a prepubescent girl, I just told Paul, 'it doesn't matter what you do, since people are so utterly stupid and bone-headed they'll support you anyway', I mean, its served me well, get it?"

"I like children"	Paul's first movie role was as an extra in Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey" playing an ape. The legendary director was heard to remark, "I really don't think that Spanish fellow there needs a costume." Paul knew at that moment he had made it. After the rigorous 16 year shoot ended, Paul returned to Spain and wrote a script for a werewolf movie while waiting for lunch at a pizzeria. The film featured a crime fighting Polish werewolf who travelled the world in a magic shipping crate. The film, "Frankenstein vs. Mummy and Dracula and Black Lagoon and Zombie and Devil" sent shockwaves throught the Albanian film industry when it was first shown in 1962. "We were all very excited," says Azkrkgh Pantnzkncyck, Albanian superstar, "never before had we seen a movie." Naschy's career was set.
Naschy was in demand everywhere, even cutting an album, "Snoop Dogg Prezentz Paul Nazchy and da Weztzidazzzzzzz Prezentz Pauly Nazzz an da Fizzitzzin Zozzigzozzz" while the album was a flop, Naschy was undeterred, starring in a reconceptualization of Shakespeare's "Hamlet", "Mummy Dracula Old Man Devil Werewolf vs. Frankenstein and Zombie" here Naschy's real love, that of making money using very little effort really came through to his fans. Naschy fanatic and superstar filmmaker Quentin Tarentino says, "Yeah, yeah yeah, you know, yeah, you see, yeah, nigger, yeah, fuck yeah. Nigger, right? Brother nigger." Naschy next teamed with international superstar Herve "Tattoo" Villachez for "003: With Extreme Caution Mummy Dracula Frankenstein Werewolf Superhero" the film broke all box office records in Nepal, and even the Dali Lama had kind words for it, saying, "Oh sir, my English is sir. Indeed, happy sir I am, oh, oh oh oh."	"When I act, sometimes my face moves"
	On to part 2...